demon.of.music's Journal

So..I shall start from the beginning ok?
I hang around in this HP forum alot and I met lots of cool people there. My best friend ever, who is more of a sister for me, has actually MET them. In person. So i started meeting some of the girls too, went to a forum meeting, met a few guys as well..
So there's the idea of a talents site that we're gonna make. And this guy offers to make it, and me and a friend, who's also his friend, will be admins. Which is like cool and everything. So she gives him my skype name /it's a msn program popular in my county/. We chat once and that's it.
So on my birthday I got really upset /about being 16 and growing up and some shit like that/. And I wrote some of my concerns in my mood box. So he writes to me, we joke around a bit. And we started chatting everyday, exchanging pics and stuff...you know.
He's 18, but the real rpoblem is he lives in another town.
Here comes the bad part. He promised he'll come in my city so we can meet and I am really nervous. I will be bringing a friend at all costs. I'm still not crazy enough to meet someone from the net all alone.
Actually..that's not the real real problem. He said he likes me, I'm growing to like him more and more...But i'm not really sure if I am up for a relationship from distance...
A friend of mine just said it sucks. And she's talking from personal expirience...
I mean...sure I like him...But actually meeting up with him? And 'boom' goes my confidence from all of this being not-real...gotta hate virtual reality, right?
And there's this part of my brain screaming "Are you out of your mind?! You met him on the Internet for God's sake!!!"
And...and...Once again saying the distance thing is scaring the hell out of me. I'm not... not in the mood for this kind of stress really.
And one more thing. yes, another problem.
My mom's keeping me on a very, very, VERY short leash. If I am to agree to meet him, I can't just say "I'm going out, see you when I'm home!"
Oooh no. She'll ask who I am going out with, where we're going, when am I going to be home...and to be honest I don't want to lie to her. But she'll get a heart-attack if I tell her "oh, just this 18-year-old guy I met in a forum."
I could tell my older sister. She's 28 and she met her previous boyfriend in the net...But I am sure that she will voice my concerns about meeting with strangers and stuff...

I need some opinions really...So that I can see the situation throught someone else's eyes...

Just what the title says. Well, I am sure it is not absolutely every girl...but most do. So did I. It may sound banal but I did want to become a ballerina. Not to be a professional prima ballerina or something. I just liked the idea of dancing ballet…And I did…well it was far from real ballet…Not even a bar. I don’t really know what I was training, it was not ballet…just some childish dance. I was 6. I remember there was no flexibility about it…God, I can dance (if you can call it that) the same things now! And I am 15 f*cking years old! Anyway…That was part of my wish.

Actually I wanted to train either ballet or Art gymnastics/ Rhythmic Gymnastics. And one of my Grandmother’s friends was actually an art gymnastics trainer! Can you believe that? I hardly remember the whole thing…my mom took me to a competition and I loved it! I must have been…4-5 ‘cause I hadn’t started training that poor excuse of ballet…Anyway so I said I wanted to train art gymnastics. I really don’t know what really happened but my mom told me that my grandmother had asked her friend who told her that my bone/figure/body/whatever structure isn’t the right one for an art gymnastics performer. I am far from knowing about these kinds of things but I think that at 5…the body structure doesn’t matter and can be altered…if the kid starts training.

Than I started the ballet and everything was cool…I didn’t really know that this was no ballet at all so I was really happy. Then…kinder garden was over (that’s where I trained said ballet). And school was about to start. I clearly remember that my ballet teacher offered my parents that I keep training but they declined. So that I would have enough time to study. I never really got over it. But I accepted it. But then in third grade this girl came to my class…And she was training acrobatic rock, and she could draw beautifully (which I always wanted to be able to do). And that really hurt me…

And then my mom took me to another competition…I must have been 9 or 10…Old enough to stand up for myself. And I said (again) that I want to train art gymnastics. But they said that I couldn’t. They would only train girls who would compete, and my parents wouldn’t allow me to give training so much from my time and not study so hard. And they said I was too old anyway.

And was I studying! I was the most intelligent girl in my class…in my year!

Being told that I was too old, and that there is no way I would train anything…it took from my desire…I mean it’s ok to dream for it when you have hope…but I didn’t anyway. So it didn’t matter.

5-6 grade my mom took me to another competition…God knows why…We ended up meeting a friend of hers there, whose daughter was in the team.. she was around my age. I must have been glaring at her the whole time…She was living my dream… I was crying all the way from the hall to home…

And my mom bought me a ribbon. That got me happy for a while…I’d play around with it…and feel ok.

But I wanted something serious. So my dad took me to this….modern dance school…And they said it’s a little too late (my flexibility is really bad) but they can take me…I declined. It was too expensive and I was already in 7^th grade.

It is a very important grade in Bulgaria. After it you do these exams and you can get in an elite or in a bad high-school…which defines if you will get good grades when you try to go to University and you whole f*cking life. So I was already going to tutoring classes in Math and Bulgarian.

So pretty much given up on my dream, I entered in a good school and I am currently studying French.

8^th grade was almost only French so that we would be able to study Geographie, Histoire et Biologie en francais in 9^th grade. And this is where I am now…

I was watching Princess Tutu…which got me to search for some ballerina pics to put in my profile in one of my favorite forums…which got me to think about a text I could write in this profile. Which made me think “Every little girl wants to be a ballerina”…which made me write this…

So yes, I am again the best student in class. I don’t show it thought…I became very shy and closed with time…Which makes everyone tease me, which makes me even more reserved. And my classmates say I am cold…they say I take things too seriously…Just because they know how to let everything they don’t like pass them, doesn’t mean I can. So yes, I get hurt by people’s word. Is it that much of a flaw? Anyway, this is another subject. I might write some about it another time.

 

I needed to write all of this.…I had to get it out of my system… I would love to cry about it know, but I can’t since my mom is sleeping in my room tonight…She has back problems and the bed in my room seems to be more comfortable…Whatever.

I just woke uo while ago and my whole body's still shaking. There's a new building right behind our block of flats and when there were builders there my mum had told me to be careful aout them. So I had this terrible nightmare about a few of them having a...how can I say it...rape feast in some of the apartments here. This included me a few women and my best friend who lives on the same floor like me.
I don't really remember anything of the act itself (and then God for that), but I remember fighting the guy. I stabbed him through the cheek with a knife but nothing really happened to him.
I think I willed myself to skip dreaming that part (don't ask me how).
So next thing that happened is me(knowing that I had been raped) - running down the stairs and finding my Dad, and telling him what happened. ANd next thing I remember is...walking up the stairs with my Dad and there's police everywhere. And when we get to our floor I hear the women from the block saying that I got off easily by comparison with Lenny (my best friend). And then I learn that they killed her. And her Mom is glaring at me as if it's my fault her daughter is dead or as if she would rather have be being dead.
Later on the dream started changing to something completly different.
The problem is I am scared and my Mum is in Instanbul ight now, so I don't really have anyone to speak to.
And I am still trembeling.
The problem is that my Mum is worries really much about me...and she got me to be like...almost paranoid that I'll get raped or killled or anything. SHe got me to the stage where I always look around to see if there are enough people on the street and if they would be able to help if something is to happen. And let me tell you - that is not cool. In my eyes every man is a rapist and every woman is a thief.
And frankly I am currntly too shaken to even leave my room.

Does anyone have any ideas how to calm down and...forget about the whole thing or at least not think about it?

So here is the problem. I started High School this year and it means I changed schools and classmates. So now I am in new class. In the start things were going smoothly...you know I became fast friends with this girl, we were sitting together, going everywhere togheter talking all the time. I was getting along with all the other girls too. the boys...well I did not pay much attention to them. So things were starting to light up, you know, I am going to waste five years of my life with those kids...but now...
Here's what happened. me and this girl I spoke of...Vicky. we were sitting on the desk in the most front...and one of the girls from the back Rumi said she could not see from there...so they put her in my place. Then on the next day a new girl came Miriam and she sat next to me.
Now Vicky. is friends with Rumi and Miriam. She is supposledly friends with me too but when the three of us go somewhere (me Miriam and Vicky) they walk toghether and talk while I just walk behind them. i try to be part of the conservation, yell 'Wait for me' from time to time....but even if I go back they won't notice.
I did say I was getting long with everyone else too didn't I? Well not anymore. the girls already have groups formed and i feel bad when i go to them...kinda.
There are two girls I often talk to too...but...I still feel like I am sometimes inviding their territory.
And the boys are making fun of me for saying a word funny. You see we started studing french this year and i have studied English for along time so my pronaunciation...in not from the best. And they are making fun of me.
I try and ignore them but they are not my real problem. i feel lonely in school. i am afraid how this five years will go if I don't have any  friends in the class.

That was it.

Ok I just found out how to make glitters and got pretty good at it for a short amount of time. And since there is no school and I am in a writer block I thought about making glitters for you guys!

Ok write this things here in the post:

<b>For pics:</b>
URL of the picture(anime pics come out looking the best. Real pic don't look so good but still...)
Two or three colors (for the sparkles)
And anything else you can think of (like which part you want to be glittered etc.)

<b>For Names or words:</b>
The word or name or phrase.
Color, font, size, style and stuff like that of the word.
Two or three colors (for the sparkles)
And anything else you can think of.


<i>I will msg you a link with the pic on my photobucket acount. You save it and upload it on your own host then tell me you have so I can Delete it.</I>

If You don't like it you can tell me what you don't like and I will try to make it better. But if you don't like it the second time - sorry patience is not one of mystrong features.

Ok so I want to have a real layout on my homepage here on Quizilla.. Not that I don't like it now I just want a layout (a real one). So i have been searching the internet for layouts but never found exactky what I was looking for. then i thought about asking one of those really kind people here who make layouts on requests. But then a voice in me asked "Won't you like  it better if you were the one who made it?" I thought about it and figured it's true. But I have no idea how to make layouts. So...


Can anyone who knows how to make layouts explain it to me or tell me a program I can use? Msg me or leave a coment here.

Thanks guys.

PS: I am leaving to figure out why is te world moving so much. (I have a headache and it seems to me like the world is spining.)

So the schoolyear is almost over for me! Actually it is over... I just have these terribly importand exams coming up. Well I had one of them (literature) today. The other one (Math) is this Friday which sucks 'cause my birthday is the day before! Anyway i had this thing to write and it was awful! But I think I did a good job. The idea of these exams is to make it that only good students with high grades get in the good High Schools. I want to go in the French one but here's the catch: they accept students with rating over let's say ('cause noone knows) 34. And here is how the rating is made:
First of all here the grades are different. here they are:
A-6
B-5
C-4
D-3
F-2.
2 (F) is the lowest of course. Sohere is how the rating is made: They take the grades of 'Litarature and Bulgarian' and Math from the diploma once and the grades on the same things but from the exams we are making now twice. Which means these exams are totally importand! I have 6 (A) in my diploma in both subjects and I really hope I do get in the school I want.
The Literature exam wasn't that bad thougth. We have to analyse these luterature works of great bulgarian writers. Of course we write it and they call off points for mistakes. We got a good thing. The Speach of this patriot in this story. Which is easy to analyse. We have been talking about that moment alot in school and at the tutoring classes. I hope I get a nice grade. Oh. and I hope we get easy problems on the Math exam too! I am really worried about that one! 'Cause I am good in words, I can express myself (in Bulgarian that is)...but numbers and stuff.


To my readers (not that I think someone will bother read this) be patient - everything is almost over)


Oh Yes! I forogt! Sunday I am going on a vacation by the sea for 10 days with my best firends on the whole world!
That's it. Thanks for reading this I know that I talk too much at moments but that's how I am.
Bye! ^_^

Ok before I start I will say that I am Bulgarian so I hope you understand why I react like that.
Ok some of you who are interested in ice dancing and who watched it yesterday know that Navka and Kostomarov won the first place. Congratulations! Very good choice of music (I love Carmen) and everything. But that's not what bugs me. I hope you have noticed the Bulgarians Albena Denkova and Maxim Staviski. My personal opinion is they were very good. But they only won 5th place! You'd probably think that I say that only because they are from my country and may be you'll be part right. But for years the judges have been giving them less scores then they deserve. I am not saying they are perfect ot anything. They as all people have better and worse dances. But they dance really nice.
Ok I am over. Just wanted to see if anyone has seen them and thinks they deserve more.
One more thing. I have been thinking if I should say this but it is my Journal and I have the right to have opinion and express it. Soo:
Personaly I think that Navka is hypocritical. I just don't like her much. you probably think I hate her because they are better then our team. No they aren't.
Ok I am stopping with the rambling. So just forget that with Navka.
ANyone thinks the Bulgarian deserved more then fifth place?


http://prosport.firmsite.ru/73U0K7TRJ0Jgo.jpg http://www.dnes.bg/images/photos/0000003446-article.jpg http://www.setimes.com/cocoon/setimes/images/2005/01/26/CULTURALphoto.jpg 
http://www.newizv.ru/images/photos/mini/20050121173858_22-denkova+.jpg
http://www.buzpateni.com/denkova_staviyski_04_w_fd_1.jpg



Sorry if the images don't work. I am still not that good with the HTML.

Something has been bugging me for a while.Here it is:A few years ago in the question book of one of my best friends there was a question "Why do you live afer all?"
 SOO i wrote "because i like adventures".Here is the deal: I am not sure that life is an adventure anymore.I mean you grow up, finish school, find a job, get married, have kids, get old and...die.Where is the adventure about that.And here is the other part.I sometimes feel about having fun in this life like this:When you have homework but you don't want to do it in Saturday so you tell yourself "I will do it tomorrow"(did that make any sense?)But about the life there is no "tomorrow".Did you get it because I kanda can't??You can't say "tomorrow" because life doesn't have one.ANd it seems boring to me right now.I am not sure it is just .......time goes on very fast.Before i understand i will finish school.Them uneversity.Then I will find myself a job.But it will all happen before I even take a good look around.Everithing changes soo fast it is scary.
ok i know that didn't make much(or rather any) sense but it confuses me too.So i just wanted to express it somehow.Well that is..

Ok.Now I know it:My class is ful of mean people.For those who read my other entry "some people are very cruel" the name Monica should be familiar.She is at it again.Actually she does little things but she really gets on my nerves.Here are two thins encluding her that happened today:
1)Ok in the third class today we had physics and she was behind me.Through the whole class she Adilena and Valentina were talking even singing.So I asked her as polite as I could to be more quite.She said"No" even before I could finish my line!So I told her to aswer properly to properly asked questions.And she said no again.Then she asked the teacher if she has checked the tests.She(the teacher) said about 100 times that she has not.So I told her "No" and she SNAPED at me "Who is asking you?"Good thing Desislava one of my best friends heard and said that she asked me.In a bitchy way.
2)I actually don't know what happened in the last class.Mihaela started crying.The teacher asked her what is wrong(I don't know myself) she said"Nothing" Then Monica said "Leave her alone.She cries every class"Ooh i was soo gonna kill her.I am seriоus I hate her with a passion.
The other thing that got on my nerves today was the life-thinking of Stoian.So he said that when someone is smart they are ugly and when someone is pretty they are stupid."So"he said"Look at Evelina(that's me!)she is an example for thefirst one."
SOO he practicaly said I was ugly.It is true I am smart and I can say it with a hand on my heart but I am not THAT not-beautifull.Or may be I am?You see now i am paranoid becouse of him.AAH

Here is the problem.One of my Mum's friends is very busy and can't watch over that kid.So now HE is here watching Bambi in the other room.Thankk god I must not babysit him.But did my mother tell me.NOOOO she didn't.The kid is 5.How can I be in the same house with a 5 year old.And I must study for tomorrow(Monday) and if he makes One sound he'll.........AAH I can't even do something to him.HELP.
Of at least he is here only for a few hours.

Do your parents make you go to tutoring classes?Well mine do. I must go on Bulgarian(I am from Bulgaria) and Maths.And it is Saturday.Everyone is just having fun and hanging around and I am studing.IT SUCKS.AND I go on extra Math classes at school.So the school,the extra in school and the tutoring.AAAH.Why you ask (was I bound and chained
in this cold and dismal place? ) Becouse this year I am in 7 grade.And at the end of the year I have exams for the High school.Just becouse of some stupid exam.NOT FAIR.I just hope it works.

AAAAH! My father is soooo dead. I was ready to kill myself becouse a thought i lost my book "The Phantom of the Opera" I have been running around the house looking for it 15 minutes.My parents are at an resturant so i am staying with my grandmother and she thought i was getting crazy. I was running around looking at the bookshelves getting everything in my room in the air.At the end a thought crossed my mind
"he didn't!" i screamed and grandma was ready to call to a hospitale.I ran to my parents room and guess what. IT WAS THERE. under many other book on my fathers desk.I am SO going to kill him when he comes back.He could have atleast told me he is taking me.AND HE SHOULD HAVE ASKED ME.parents are s-t-u-p-i-d.AHHHH i am realy angry.REALLY

Some people are really mean.By some people i mean Monica and Adilena the bitches of the class. Becouse of that little sluts Emilia thinks she is fat.And she is Very thin.And now she is on a diet.And what kind of a diet.TWO APPELS A DAY.I am getting worried for her.Except the school and all the nerves going with it she is going on dancing.I wont be suprized if some day she simply faints.At school,home...or on the street.And Monica and Adilena wont care.By the way Monica told in my face that i am fat.BUT I AM NOT.But i am really worried for Emi what if she becomes anorexic(sp).That is very dangerous.OHHH if something happens to her those two ****** are gonna det it.A GROWING GIRL EATS TWO APPELS A DAY THIS IS INSNE.Knowing her and that she is smart girl i was shocked when i heard that.Oh well if it goes furhter(i hope it doesn't)we wont have any other choise but tell her mother.But i still can't getit.How can SHE think SHE is FAT?That's it Monica has gone too far.We will take care for her.That littlebitch wont think that she is better then any f us anymore.