Dreamstar.Superstar's profile

Latest Journal Entry

September 16, 2009

understanding

You know, looking back at my life I have had a lot of experiences that no average person has ever done, had or felt. The fact is, I am not an average person, and although I had done things that so many people wished they have done this is only in the minority. The vast majority of my life isn’t something that other people have experienced, and not in a good way either. All of you should be thankful for what you have, because there are other people worse off than you, but it’s really hard to apply that to yourself when you have had your rough moments in life.

So, why the solemn mood Paz? Well, simple. I accidentally started chatting to this person I had hated for over five years without realising it. When we both realised who we were chatting to, he stopped the conversation and went offline (highly likely he had blocked or deleted my contact). On a personal level, all I can say is good riddance to the douche bag, but thinking of why I was widely hated in my old school it really started to get to me. It really hurt.

Let’s start from the beginning. I was born in England, but I only lived my first few months in this country before I moved abroad to Dubai, Abu Dhabi, Brisbane, and Baguio... I have to say, I started out life as a globe trotter. From an early age my family and I constantly moved houses, locations and countries. My dad was an aviation engineer so we travelled to wherever the company sent us. Virgin also provided us with accommodation, health and home schooling. For the first 8 years of my life, we never owned a house. All we paid for were the food that we ate, the clothes on our back and those Hench mobile phones that were literally the size of a brick. Sounds like a nice start to my life? Wrong. It’s actually done hell to me.

When I was seven, the company gave us a home in England so we didn’t have to travel everywhere with my dad anymore. It was an average house in a nice neighbourhood. Plus, this gave me an opportunity to start school properly. Now, remember, this was the first time I was going to a proper public school. At Abu Dhabi, I went to private little classes where these American kids went to learn the alphabet. I couldn’t remember much, but mum told me a while back that I was a very slow learner and I couldn’t concentrate because I wanted to constantly play. Hmm... Odd... considering I was around hmmm, I don’t know, 4 OR 5?! Who doesn’t want to play at that age?

Another thing, I was constantly moving locations. I never had real time to bond with anyone except my mum and dad. When I was younger, I was told everyone looked at me like I was some sort of child that has never seen another human being before. No, I wasn’t shy at all, I was annoying and bugging and one of those kids that kept bombarding people with questions, really wanting to make friends. Of course, this freaked people out. Other kids didn’t like me because of my weirdness and that was when everything started. Anyway, since I didn’t start school normally like the other kids in England (year R etc) I was severely behind. I never knew how to write my name until I was in year 3. That was how bad it was. Year 3, I only had 1 friend. Year 4, 1 friend. Year 5, I moved school to Margate. No friends. I moved to a catholic school a few months after. No friends. Moved to Portsmouth. Yet again, 1 friend. Year 6, moved schools. 1 friend. You get the gist by now.

No one liked the girl who was weird, or different, or has been raised different from them. It gets so frustrating. Back then, I wasn’t sure how to socialise properly, I just scared people away. Then later on in year 6 something has drastically changed. That single friend kind of multiplied and became 5. How? I learned. I had to figure out how to socialise by myself. Mum couldn’t help me because she is fully foreign, and could only show me a custom that Pinoys can accept. In Saudi the American kids made friends by asking questions and being curious. Do that in the UK however, they find it weird. I had to figure out by myself how I could get accepted into the UK society.

You have to be overly nice and quite patronising. Shocking, but when you look back, it is true. Of course, this doesn’t apply to everyone. I’m not stereotyping the British, but this was what I have observed then. I also observed then that I had to be a quick learner. So that’s what I did. I learned. I tried to learn as many things as possible, because no-one wanted to be friends with someone who was stupid. Being constantly told off by the teachers was enough to be an excuse for others to make fun. It really was.

I know that I’m not an idiot. But I also know full well that I am not smart or intelligent. Actually, I just learned to absorb the bare minimum of what is required in life if you know what I mean.

Anyway, year 7 secondary school, me and my friends split up to go to different schools. This was when EVERYTHING went downhill. Because I learned, and that I liked learning, I soon became known as the little boffin. Why? Because I was proud that I was learning. Hey, here is another thing I discovered; no-one likes a know-it-all. And then, from the first impression I had on the others for the first WEEK of secondary school, the name stuck. And I tell you what, I fucking hate schoolwork. I really do. I fucking hate it. Being called the Asian boffin soon wasn’t enough. They decided to comment on other things, my looks, how strict my mum was, and the fact that I have no friends. You know how it’s like in secondary school, word goes round quickly, and if you are not liked then anyone who likes you is also not liked.

It was cruel.

So, I eventually grew numb to everyone and acted weird again. Hell, I didn’t care if I hurt anyone’s feelings, people don’t like me anyway. Anyone talks bad about me in my face; I cuss them out till kingdom come. I didn’t care if I ended up saying a whole load of shit that didn’t make sense. No one would defend me anyway. I just became this frustrating little shit that no-one liked eventually. Anyone who wanted to talk to me had serious balls. Nice or not, I was rude, selfish and bitchy. I didn’t like something, why should I put up with it? I will say what I wanted to say, do what I wanted to do, and go where I wanted to go. Everyone else treated me how they wanted to treat me, and say whatever they wanted to say, why can’t I? Why did it matter anyway? I was only one person, around forty people everyday did what they wanted, I got the treatment times forty. Why blow up things that I have done out of proportion when only one person did it? Like I said, others try to find any excuse to give me hell.

I did make friends in secondary school eventually, and that’s when things started to die down. I have to admit it, I wasn’t a very good friend and we constantly fell out, but I always returned to them because I know they truly understood me. The others? They carried on with what they did best, being dickheads.

So, why did this all happen? The answer undeniably complicated, but the outcome so simple.

Understanding.

It was all down to understanding.

I never understood, and they never understood. It was as simple as that.

So, why are we so shallow as to treat everyone different because we don’t understand them, instead of accepting the fact that there are people out there who are misunderstood? Don’t know much about someone? Don’t judge or go along with what other people say. If you don’t personally know someone, then go and learn about them instead of shunning them because you can’t be bothered to try and understand them. Life isn’t explained to you easily. All I can say to those people who don’t want to understand others is; grow up. There are people out there in the world different from you. Accept it, or leave them alone. Don’t make their lives hell.

Incredibly long journal entry, but everything had to be said.

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