I've come to realize that life is far from perfect. For me, it's far from acceptable. I'm taking a turn for the worst, and I have no more excuses. I'm forgetting. I've begun to sink into an empty abyss of darkness far from the human world. A space void of love, joy, even hate, and the more time I spend there, the less I remember my waking hours. This isn't normal for me. It's worse than before. It used to be I could be consience to both worlds, I suppose I was a better actor then. Maybe I wasn't ever really part of this world, So I payed more attention in hopes of blending in with these lifeforms I so detest.
It's not working anymore. I'm giving up. I'm letting go. I don't want to try anymore. I'm done. I'm going to let myself fall into that desolate darkness. I'll admit that I don't know what's going to happen. I'm not sure what I'll do or where I'll be or for how long. I'm not so scared of the unknown, rather more so of what I imagine could happen. I'm sorry, I'll say that right now. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I need to go away for a while. You might notice, you might not, but I don't know when things will get better. I don't know when or if I'll come back.
Please forgive me. The last thing I want in the world is to leave you, to give up on who I'm trying to be, but I can't help it. I can't do this anymore. I have to let go. I have to go back to the way I was. It's the only chance I have of making things right again. I need to rely on myself to say no. To raise me up. To save myself. I can't trust others to do that for me. It's time I bury myself in a granite-lined grave to battle my demons before I rise anew. I must dig my way out of the warm, damp earth meant to encase me in despair. I think...I need to be alone when I take my first breath of air as my new being. I need to be solitary on my first hunt for whatever I crave. I have to let this thing inside of me take it's own path, wherever it may lead me.
I have to go away.
Posted at 8:54 PM EST on Friday, September 15, 2006