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August 5, 2006

Questions, Dear, Questions

It is exactly 12:45 am on a Saturday way early morning and here I am, sitting next to my laptop, listening to Head Automatica croon on and on about beating hearts, baby. (It's rather addicting, if I shall say.)

I haven't written in this journal for ages, I must say, but now I have a sudden urge to write in it, just this once. Don't know why, but I can tend to be quite spontaneous.

Just like the title, I do have questions floating in what mind I actually have. lol But they seriously make me ask whether or not I should watch my actions or the way I act. Maybe it's the really huge transition of school of 300 to class of 300; knowing everyone to knowing barely anyone; basically going from a small Catholic school to a huge high school.

One question: am I really picking my friends alright? I know I have loyalties to my Beatitudes friends because I've known them so much longer, we've been friends practically forever, they know more about me that I ever wish anyone to know. But when one of my Beatitudes friends hates one of my Troy friends (well, thinks she's evil), what should I do?

That would probably seem like the stupidest question ever, but it's actually pretty reasonable in my case. I've ceom from a 9 year school, which I did attend for the whole 9 years. I've met and kept friends who are as close to me as my own family. Honestly. And I know that's true after tonight (or last night, if you want to get technical) at the Carnival. Sometimes we argue; we'll spilt up; but at the end of the night, we're always together, laughing our asses off at each other.

I'm starting to think I'm not making much sense. It's okay. I'm kinda confused as to what exactly I'm writing about, but for now, I'm just letting words flow from my fingers.

Well, trying to continue, I want to have a friendship with the people I met at Troy during this summer school session. But should I change who I am to fit with them? Should I be who I am and screw what everyone else thinks? Should I throw all caution to the wind and just live my life? God, high school sucks already. And it's only the summer before Freshman year. Damn.

But oddly enough, I'm enjoying it. Lecture hall is pretty interesting and, dare I say it, fun when I'm around my friends. We all do stupid things together during what break we have, and memories are startin' to form. Maybe I'm as hypocritical as I think I am.

Do I have problems with the way I hold grudges? Because once I was thinking about what went down between me and AJ last September. Eh, around the end of the school year, I think things were chill between me and him. Well, he kinda isolated himself from the class in the first place, so I'm not really sure. But then when I thought about it, it got me so angry.

I was always there, wasting my minutes, to hear him talk during that summer. To hear him dump his worries and problems about whatever girlfriend he had. How much he loved her. What he'd do for her. I heard all of that, which was pretty much hell for me because as if I would seriously want to know how many times he's seen his girlfriend almost-naked.

I was always on my phone, late at night, listening to him rant on and on, but he couldn't even be there for me for one day. One lousy day, which said day could've served as the second worst day of my life. It's not everyday I need all of my best friends around me while I'm going through the toughest times of my life.

And when I honestly think about it, it gets me so mad, I hate him all over again. I hate how he promised he would be there for me. I hate how he lied to me. I hate how he straight up told me that the reason he couldn't attend my own father's funeral was because his elbow went retarded and he didn't have a ride or something like that. I hate how me made me felt when I heard that he invited Britt to go to the mall with him on that very same day. And right now, I'm hating him all over again.

And then I hate myself for hating him all over again. My anger problems have never been this bad. But then again, I've been rather sensitive since that very day. It's one oh six, and I'm completely out of words to say. But I'm barely done with this.

After talking about it in Health, I can't stop thinking about it. Death. Or, to be precise, the night my dad died. God, it's like I could remember everything that happened. And it hurts so much more. It all happened so suddenly I'm not sure whether I should be happy for him - he's in a much better place now; no more pain, no more ache - or whether I should regret the things I had done in the past.

I'll be truthful. I truly wish I spent more time with my dad. I used to ride with him every weekend when I was about 7 or 8, maybe younger, because that's when he wouldn't be working. Sometimes, I would go days without seeing him, only having the opprotunity to hear his voice whenever he had a free moment. And on the weekends, he would wake me up early and we would go grocery shopping together because he had the patience for it, unlike my mom. And maybe if I was lucky, he would take me to the bookstore and I would run to the children's section and browse for an hour, only to find him walking towards me, asking if I was done. I would plead for an extra book, but even if he made a face and an act about it, I knew he would always get it for me. I truly believe he loved to see me be happy.

As I grew older, I slowly parted away from my dad, getting into the beginning of my teenage years. Trying to spend as much time away from my parents and more with my friends or at least attached to the computer. Especially that summer of 2005, when I was a total Quizilla addict and had just become friends with Laur. But I knew, then, that I could always depend on my father voice, booming from downstairs, to come and eat already. And once I finally tore myself away from this very laptop, he would be sitting there, on that old wooden rocking chair, making a face at me, telling me I should take the dog a bath instead of playing computer, computer.

And now, even though he's been gone for about eleven months, he's everywhere in the house; his memory never forgotten. The family portrait (which I look hideous in) hangs atop the fireplace, his tanned face smiling down at me from where I sit on the couch. Somehow, his sweaty scent sometimes becomes evident in the room he shared with my mother.

But even now, I still wish he hadn't left. Then maybe he wouldn't have missed the numerous changes that has gone on in our house. My sister's third PCN. Christmas. Birthdays. New Years. My Academic Decatlon. My numerous awards. My brother, changing his future just like his underwear, as I always tell him. My sister, getting her new car. My mom, gossiping about who got into where and this and that. And myself, graduating Beatitudes after nine years of antagonaizing homework and projects and tests and teachers, proudly leaving with straight A's and a secure spot at Troy in their IB/Tech program, just we planned when I was already thinking about high school back in 2nd grade.

It's 1:25 am, Saturday the 5th of August, and here I am, sitting next to my laptop, randomly rambling about the numerous problems of my life as of right now, each of them somehow linked to one another. From new schools to new friends to old friends hating new friends to me hating old friend to reminiscing about my dad, I can go as far as saying this was way random. But it feels better to get it all out, even if no one's gonna read it. But why would I care anyways?

Now it's 1:28, and I better go clean up the kitchen before I turn in.

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