imDA14u's Journal

so i was at disney for the past 5 days, sorry i didn't warn anyone =\ anywho....i went with my 1st period class- chorus. we sang for the Candlelight Processional (disney's biggest christmas show). i have no voice left because of it =\ but the concerts were amazing. sang for over 2000 people in one night. it was horrible- the trip in general. i regret most of it. drama drama drama. it was a sad reminder why i avoid human contact- especially for long periods of time. two of my roommates got in a fight *sigh* one of those girls brought her boyfriend in the room and locked themselves in the bathroom (EWWWWWW!!!!!!!) the whores and sluts, girls pmsing, guys flirting and showing off....hmmm if anyone watched ABC on new years eve and saw the epcot dance floor at disney world, you may have seen me on tv! i was in the front row, naturally dancing and rocking out. (i was wearing a blue sweater...if that helps anyone :P haha.)

the entire time i kept thinking about how much i hate my life...

i had to hid my scars, and naturally i couldn't creat new scars. how cruel- to keep one from ones addiction.

Wow...so it's been a month since i've written...i just havn't felt motivated i suppose. There is no reason to. Idk...lately i've been feeling more and more lethargic (just look at my room...it tells you a lot) Though my poetry and my music has been quite insipred. I've been writing a lot of piano music lately. One piece i'm working on right now has a lot of sharps and minors, changes keys a lot, doesn't have a time signature yet, its a responsive love lullaby. I think i'll turn out way awesome...half my poems that i've written i havn't posted on here and honestly i dont want to. The only reason I'm on here anymore is for one friend in paticular, because she is so much like a sister to me and we have been through so much together already. I'm here for her. Hmm...I really dont know what else to write about...well, i know what i want to, but i'm not going to because i dont want to share with the world what is on my mind because honestly you dont deserve to know.

~Cassie~

As everybody, or most may know, we all had yesterday (Labor Day) off of school. well, according to my 1st period teacher we may not have school on Friday because of the hurricane that is going to make land fall. of course that's not a deffinet yet, because they have no idea where it'll hit along the VI, NC and SC coasts, but if it's on the NC or SC coasts, where it's predicted to hit there it'll cause some major damage where i live. fuUun...

so in thrid period today i almost got in a fight, almost, i wanted too thats for sure. you see...there is this guy that hates my friend Branden because Branden goes out with Tiffany, the girl JR claims to love. and then Branden found out that his friend Tanner's girlfriend is cheating on Tanner with JR. so of course, Branden tells Tanner. in thrid period today JR comes up to Branden and starts to cuss him out...as i was about ready to say something the bell rang and we all had to sit down....that would have been a fun way to start the 2nd week of school off now wouldn't it?

I had a doctors appnt. today. i uh....dont know if it's good or bad =\ they still dont know whats causing all of my headaches. i'm on a few different meds right now to help. in about 2 or 3 weeks i'm going to see a neurologist and get a ton of tests done. i'm also going to be going to see a hemotologist. and because of a few different reasons, maybe a nurtrionist. Idk.....i got a shot today, not fun. thats about it really....tomorrow i go to get my parking permit, so i get to wait in line for that all day.
in November i'm going to a Kutless and Thousand Foot Krutch concert. that will be fun. maybe next month i'm taking Branden to a Three Days Grace concert forhis birthday. and i think it's next month, i have another concert that my friend is taking me too. idk the artist yet. =\
Branden got a girlfriend Monday. so i'm happy for him. though that means that me and him wont get to hang out as much now =\ and with Vicki gone....yea, another loner year i guess. except more alone then last year....*sigh* all well...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEN!! I love you baby, with all my heart and soul. that will never change.

So for my English class this year we have to write a entry paper on basicly anything really. I'm writing my on Obsessions. Here's the start of it. tell me what you think:

Lying in bed, it is 12:06AM, and what am I thinking about? Obsessions. Isn't it funny how the human mind works? For it to be so late at night, and for me to be thinking about obsessions? How does something become an obsession? I think that it starts off as a simple dream. How does a dream become an obesession? it turns into a want. That want then becomes something you NEED, you HAVE to have it. A passion grows like cancer off that need, therefore it becomes an ovession. I'm sure that some reading this dont fully understand what i'm saying...Lets see if i can make this easier...think of THAT car, the one you've wanted for as long as you can rememeber. Whether it be a Charger, Hemi, Mustang, Firebird, Thunderbird, Corvet, Eclipse, Accord, Maxima, or whatever it is you want. You dream of having that car. (the 'oh it would be so awesome if i had that car' factor) you then WANT it ('Daddy!!! pleeeeeease!!!!!!) then you decide you NEED it. You get a job, maybe you even get a 2nd job to get it fully loaded?? Passion sets in. You work the hardest you ever have. Overtime, nights, weekends, etc. You then have an obsession.
Are there 'bad' obsessions? and what about 'good' obsessions? Sure, everyone would agree that drugs and drinking are 'bad' obsessions. and maybe getting into college and getting straight A's are 'good' ovsessions. But what about what people would do to get what they obsess about? cheat, steal, become anti-social, etc. Is it then still a 'good' obsession? And who is to say what obsessions are 'good' and 'bad'? What about LOVE as an obsession? Love- it's unstable, but as an obsession? It can become deadly. To me, all obsessions are bad. They take you ove compleatly, whether you are aware or not. Sure, the dream part of it is harmless, even 'good'. As humans we all have obsessions- THAT car, that spot on the team, that pony, that guitar, that phone, etc. I even have them, i admit. I have the most dangerous of all- love. Can you be 'saved' per se, from an obsession? I believe so, if your not in too far, too deep. I believe there are different levels of absession, yes. Back to THAT car scenerio; level I of obsession: you work your butt off, maybe even kiss up to the boss?Level II of obsession: work overtime,nights, weekends, kiss up a whole lot more. You even start to ignore parts of your social and perosnal life. Level III: you get a 2nd job, maybe legal maybe not. Or whether you get the 2nd job or not, you steal, cheat, whatever it takes. Level VI? it becomes the death of you. Back to love, i believe it is a little different. Okay, maybe a whole lot different. Level I: crush Level II: boyfriend/girlfriend Level III: marriage and a full, loving life together. Why is love more deadly if all the steps are so pure, innocent even? One wrong step and worlds come crashing all around the two people involved. Hearts get broken. In every step, death's door is always open. Dont get me wrong, Love is a wonderful beautiful obsession. I know it all so well. But it is deadly, it's a dangerous obsession. But then again, when you really think about it, aren't all obsessoins deadly?

i know, some grammer maybe be wrong and all that fun stuff, please remember it's on the 1st draft!!! tell me what you think....please??

okay so today i went over to my moms friends house, Luci's, i was there for my brother to get his hair cut and to see her new kitty (he's soooooooo cute!!!! only a few weeks old, orange with strips and a polka dotted tummy. sooo so cut. his name is Buster. he was adorable until he attacked my hand...drew blood =\ but it's not that bad) anyways...Luci was messing with my mom telling her that she gave my brother a mowhawk (yea right! like bry would ever go for that!!!) well then she started messing with my mom saying that she was going to dye my hair next, like i've been wanting to the past few days....she didn't have purple like i wanted, but she did have a bold burgandy color. so....i now have the underlayer of my hair dyed burgandy. and let me tell you! it is WICKED AWESOME!!! i love it!! haha. i can't believe i did it though...my mom suprisingly, loves the color. my dad really doesnt care. my youth paster....hahahahahahahahahha THAT was a kodak moment!!! i went to church this morning with normal hair and come back with burgandy in it!!! lol. anyways....i may try to upload a pic of it on here sometime. peace out!

I love you Ben, so very much.

okay, so i got bored and had a camera handy. which do ya'll like best?

mkay, i can now read all of my messages....wow, i feel so loved. i had 7 new! ahaha.

well...i supposibly have 4 new messages in my inbox, but quizilla isn't letting me see them...it sends me to my inbox when i check my mail....i'm mad. :[

Right now i am taking a break from studying my civics&economics crap....i mean 'stuff'. I am on Goal 5 out of 10....it's going to be a long night. *sigh* I have no concentration level haha. :P

My mind is about to burst into flames, i have too much on my mind right now. I'm stressing over this final. I'm stressing over my doctors appnt. tomorrow (long story....dont want to worry everyone. i'll let you know how it goes tomorrow). I have all these party plans running through my mind right now. I have a perv with a major crush on me to deal with at school. I have a million poem ideas running through my head begging to be written down, but instead i have ordered myself to study. The clutch in my car went out monday. And I havn't talked to Ben all day :[

That's the worst- I havn't talked to Ben all day. It's so hard. I know that in a month we will only be able to talk at uncertian times, but still....it hurts so much. I keep catching myself wrapping my arms around my stomach as to hold myself together. I know that it maybe something as simple as he's busy, has a load of hw, etc. but he is what gives me life, he is as essential to me as air is to you.

sorry if i bothered anyone with this...i just needed to vent before i had a count down to the explosion in my skull.

i love you baby, and i miss you so so much. you are my life, my world, my everything. I am yours for forevermore.

Well today in 4th period we were called to the auditorium by class and given our pending scheduals for next year. (to understand our schools system here it is: we have 2 semesters a year. 4 classes a semester. each class is 90min. long. the 2nd semester we get 4 new classes.)

1st semester:

1st- Vocal Music 3
2nd- Honors English 3
3rd- Anatomy & Physiology
4th- Honors U.S. History

2nd Semester:

1st- Vocal Music 3A
2nd- Spanish 2
3rd- Honors Pre-Calc
4th- Honors Chemistry


So as you can see it's a full schedual next year. :[ but i like science and chorus and english so i guess it wont be too horrible. that and i'm really good at math (even though i really hate it.)


I love you Ben, I will love you beyond eternities end. there are no words to describe howi feel about you. there never will be.
~Ben holds my heart then, now, and forever~

I'm back!! haha. it feels good to say that. I know, i wasn't even gone for all that long, but still...well, after puppy dog eyes and some begging, I am being loaned a laptop until I can get my new computer!! :] I'm sorry to all who i....inconvienced or made upset in anyway. I'm sorry to you too Ben. I love you baby. Anyways...in order to celebrate i'm going to go get some icecream! yummy!! haha.
I love you Ben, and these past couple of hours have been so hard not talking to you!
~His baby girl forever.~

well...last night while watching a movie (i can't remember the name of it...it was some action flick.) I started thinking. I was thinking about the Cinderella storytale....Two people share one dance at a ball, the clock strikes 12:00 and she runs off- leaving a shoe behind. This prince thought the he was so in love with her that he searched all over the country with a shoe in hand for her. (a thought beside the point- how on earth did only Cinderella fit that shoe? c'mon!! i mean seriously?! At least ONE other girl in the country had to have been able to fit the shoe! anyways...) It just confuses me...it was a single dance and they love each other? I would get it if Cinderella gave Prince Charming her phone number and he called her the next day, or if he had put of a 'LOST SHOE' poster....but instead he went around the country to find her. (jeez...think about if he was driving a car! and gas prices!! do you think he would have gone around the country looking then?) It just made no sense to me....then in English today it dawned on me- it was love at 1st sight, they had a connection! Nothing mattered! He just wanted her....(of course, it would have been easier if Cinderella had just given Prince Charming her phone number...haha.) He didn't care if he had to search for years to find her, he loved her and that's all that mattered. Isn't love amazing?
I love you Ben, more then words alonecan express.
~Cassie

This is Becca and Cassie (clark). haha. ok, your beloved Cassie is in upstairs livingroom right now looking for a book for Becca. :P she should be back any minute....anyways, we just wanted to say HIIIII!!!!!! haha. and ben (from cassie) i guess you can have her....she's happy with you. :P oh crap...here she comes...gtg. peace out!
~Becca and Cassie (clark)~

Lets all hope that i can make it through today alright? haha. If everything works out I should be going to the movies with Becca and Cassie around 11 a.m. (as soon as they call me.....) around 10:30 i'll meet them at Becca's house. Then after that I will be going with my mom to pick strawberries and watermelon (yea...i know, weird, but when you live in a small town....) after that I will come home, maybe pick up the backyard and set up the bouncy castle (our tent for the night! haha, and yes, i do have a bouncy castle.) then Becca and Cassie are going to come over and spend the night....maybe. my head is already spinning....it's going to be a long day...*sigh* both Cassie and Becca have promised to let me on the computer for a little bit when they are over so that I can talk to some of my friends on here, and most importantly: Ben. (just a sidenote for him- cassie said that she still wants to fight you, haha.) so....I'm off to start a long day, and what better way to start then a hot shower and pancakes? (well, i can think of a few things that if added would be the GREATEST thing ever...someday, someday) I will be getting on periodicaly through the day, btw. I love you Ben! (i dont thinki can ever tire of saying that, i can't help but say it)
My heart belongs to him now and forevermore,
Cassie

Wow...i think i compleatly shocked Cassie Clark and Rebacca Williams today...haha. Since this morning i was told to have a good day by a very special someone (Ben) :] I followed his instructions and did so. Since everything was going great before 2nd period (spanish...uhg) why ruin such a wonderful day? I had just finished up putting things into my locker and walked over to Cassie's and nonchalantly asked "Do you wanna go to spanish?" she just laughed and said "No, i never do" she put a book in her locker "Do you wanna skip?" She stopped, turned around, and looked at me....trying to figure out if i was serious. so i pressed "well....do you?" she was still...shocked "are you serious?" i just smiled "of course, and if we are, we have to get out of here....we have a minute before the bell rings..." (her locker is right next to the spanish room) She put her spanish textbook and binder back in her locker and off we went down science hall to the main hall. There we ran into Williams (Becca) she asked "where are you all going? your up to something..." we both laughed and on either side grabbed her elbows and walked her down the hall. "We're not going to class." is all that Cassie said. Becca looked at me to make sure Cassie was telling the truth. i smiled. "Well then, neither am i." for the 1st 20min. we went to the library and hung out until we got kicked out for being too loud. then we went down the back hall, through the are hall, down into the freshman hall and then settled outside in the sun. We just layed there, talking, gossiping, laughing. It felt great...it was well needed for all 3 of us. (Becca having guy issues with her ex and probs with her mom...cassie problems at home...that and the stress of finals right around the corner) It was so....relaxing to just sit in the sun for 90min. and do nothing. We all are a little burnt, but well worth the warmth of the sun and the fun we had. it made the day go by so much faster...haha. well, i hope everyone had just as great of a day as i did!
I love you Ben!
Ben's forever,
Cassie

just admit me to the pshyco ward already would you? haha...i've compleatly lost it. When I got off the bus and into my mom's suburban the drive down the driveway was quiet....until i had to open my big mouth "Can you believe today is Tuesday? It feels like it should be later in the week...*sigh*" My mom just looked at me like i was crazy, bryan started to laugh really hard, my sister didn't even hear me...I asked what my brother was laughing at he just responded "well...'can you believe today is WEDNESDAY?'" it tood me a moment to catch up...but when i finally did, i felt so dumb!! i guess it makes up for me not falling, tripping or hurting myself in any way or form. haha. (knock on wood..., the day is still young.)

Here's another purpose for this post...today some asked branden "Dude, your weird. You need to be admitted to Dorthea Dix (a mental instution in NC)." so before branden had a chance to say anything i jumped in with sarcasm dripping from my voice "awww, i'm sorry, but Dorthea Dix has a priority list- I dont see why they havn't been able to get up with you yet, last i heard you were on their top 10." before he could respond "Oh just save it and f*ck off" he glared at me (sticks and stones....*rolling eyes*) so i just glared back his last words "jeez, if looks could kill...." "If looks could kill you wouldn't be talking right now." finally he just left....

ok...well in order to keep my apprehensiveness under some sort of control i have counted the days to....more or less....important dates ahead of me.

40 days until i leave for chicago *cringe* (some may or may not know how much this hurts me...)
15 days (including finals) left in class.
5 days left until a long weekend!
41 days until my camp up in chicago
52 days until the end of camp
53 days until i can spend time with family up in chicago
72 days until i return home from my trip in chicago
16 days until vicki leaves *cringe* for Virginia

ok...i'm out of days to count down too...or up, which ever you think is more politically correct....i can't think straight right now....maybe i should lay off the caffine right now...it's not helping one bit...ooo cake sounds good right now...ummm...yea i'm out of things to talk about unless you want me to somehow exhagerate about this bunny that i saw on the side of the road today driving to the store....well: it was a brown cute little bunny with a cute little bushy tale that was on the side of the road and when i drove by he (or she) hopped right into the woods....yea that's all i've got. srry....i've got to find something to do....

errr...ok if no one reads this i understand, it's just me venting (just as a warning!!)

start of rant:
OK, who the hell does (we'll call her A.S.) think she is???? In spanish today, she turned around and asked me "why does Bryan (my lil bro) sit in the back of the bus with them?" (them being black people) I said "that's his friends, that's his choice." she gave me a weird look. then asked "Does he like one of...them?" for a minute all i could do was glare- 1st off, why did she keep refering to my brothers friends like they are dogs?!?! "Actually A.S., he goes out with one of 'them'." she gave me this look of disgust! how stupid can a person be?? color doesn't matter!!!! i HATE ignorance!! in response to her look i said " off, it's not your business anyways."

end of rant:
ok, i feel a little bit better- still can't stand the ignorance...but, i do feel better venting.

*sigh* i guess i'm gonna go and make my mother happy...i'm going to go downstairs and watch a chick flick with her and my sister...i should be back in oh...2 hours? haha...save me??