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Latest Journal Entry

March 13, 2008

Mind Babblings Vol.3!

Hello there! Well I'm just here to rant about crap so yea. I feel so messed up right now! I'm stressed out, i'm tired practically all the time. I feel like i dont even sleep even when i do. I just want to null my mind! I cant take this anymore. And I have no idea who i like anymore and i dont know what to do anymore and i just feel like crap. I'm confused out of my mind, or mainly i'm just lost in my mind. I like my best friend but he said we should stay being just friends and i'm just getting back to normal from that heartbreak. I think one of my friends likes me but i'm not sure if i like him back and i dont want him to be the rebound or anything like that. I think i might like this guy that i just started getting to know but i'm also scared that it might be the rebound. And I practically love one of my friends but he lives in canada! So yea i'm just totally confused and lost and i dont know what to do. Plus there's not really anything i can do and I hate feeling helpless! I hate that feeling of being so indecisive! And I try to talk to friends about it but they dont really listen they just try to give me a solution so we can talk about something else! What they dont understand is that i dont want them to give me solutions i just want someone to listen and my friend from canada actually understood that and he just listened. He didnt judge me, he didnt interrupt, he didnt try to change the subject and he didnt try to solve my problems with one line like so many others have tried to do. He actually listened and it felt amazing to have someone understand everything but noooo he has to be in canada! And the other guy i just met is the complete opposite of me and of all the other guys i've liked so i'm thinking that maybe something will actually happen but at the same time i have huge doubts. It's like i want someone to be there for me but i dont know who i want that person to be. and it sucks. and i know that i'm freaking out about stupid things but i just want someone to listen so i can let this all out and get on with everything but noooo no one lets me rant like this! Because most people dont actually listen they just wait for their turn to speak! And me i'm just the opposite because i know how it feels to have someone not listen so i shut up so my friends can rant. And i would just love it if just for once someone actually asked me how i'm feeling with honest concern not just out of politeness. So I just fill my time with tons of activities so i dont have to think about shit like this. and i know that avoiding my problems won't make them go away but for the time being it helps and either way right now there's nothing I can do about it. I dont know what bothers me more, knowing that the two guys I love are unattainable or wondering if the fact that i may like the other two guys may just be the rebound. And then i stop to think about how messed up i am but at the same time i love it. I feel that i'm awesomely messed up in my own weird way so yea. I think the worst part about this is that i have to rant to people on the internet but hey atleast someone acts like they listen so yea. If you read this, thanks for doing something that very few people have done for me: listening.

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