kittengirl45111's Journal

Is life seriously going to go down hill, just like that? It kinda hurts, you know... Hunt and his entire anti act of me and Bryan... If he's really that against me, why doesn't he just come out and say it? Why does he have to hit below the belt? I admitted that I deserved less. What more can he really expect from me? Just give up and walk away from him? I can't do that. Not unless I know that's what HE wants. I refuse to be weak like that again... but it hurts so badly to know that he's getting so deep under my skin and he could seriously just walk away without any qualms at all. I wonder if he beleives me. I wonder if he knows that if he leaves me, I'll be done for... Woder if he understands how much a part of me he's become... Probably not. Hunt's probably right. He's probably only giving me a chance because he thought I was telling the truth. And the sad part is, he probably thinks it was an act and I know that if I had to, I would have been begging on hand and knee. He doesn't understand it... The Relapses are coming in strong waves these days... There's times I can't be near males, and at the same time I have to because of school. Other times i want to curl up into a ball and hide the tears I know are starting to show... I know I can't hide this forever. I know that they can all probably see me breaking. They tell me I look wonderful, or they ask me if I'm okay. It's either cheer me or confront me. Most choose to cheer me. And that makes it even more painful when those few confront me. I just want to curl up and hide... And I don't have my normal escape, either... He would find out... and he wouldn't understand, and I'd loose him for certain... but it's so tempting. It's right there. and I can't do anything. I can't balm the pain on the inside, and I can't aid myself in the only way I know how. He doesn't know. They all don't know. Terri understood, she knew... but I rarely see her anymore... and Joey understands me... He cheers me up... lets me forget about everything.... Helps ME. They wouldn't understand....

So now I know what it's like to be with him.. I don't have a clue what to do about his, though... I like him... but that hurt... and I never want to do it again.... He won't understand... And now Joey's being mister secretive with this entire crap about 'I know someone who liks you' is it Joey himself, or is he covering for someone else?! It;s times like this I begin to panic. I keep having flaxshbacks to my incident...and I can't allow myself to be touched rght now, because I know if I am I will try to kill whoever it is... But what did joey mean...? and what if it is him? I've liked him for a while now, I suppose... I don't really want to admit it, because I could have sworn he was gay.. but dear god...

((Sorry about the language in advance...)) So, in a fucked up world, I thought I'd found someone that mad eme happy, yeah? WELL~ I was wrong, evidentally.Fucking assinine as hell, this... How the hell can he say that and not tell me about it...? It's aggrivating... How can he be bothered by something I did and only try to guilt trip me instead of trying to tell me what is really bothering him...? Fucking a... How the fuck was IO going to know what was buggin him if it weren't for Hunt, eh? Am I a Telopathic human...? NO... . . . CAN I KILL HIM!? Fuckin' a... fuck... Fuck fuck fuck... What the hell am I supposed to do now...?! Fuckin dreams about J%#& and fuckin fights already with Bry... WHAT. The fuck!? -growl- I want a divorce from life. NAO. And Now I need to go update my story to keep you all calm, don't I... Well, fuck... -smacks head against wall- I really need to learn...

I wanna feel again, but I don't know how. I wanna swim into my dreams, but I can't find them. Let the ice and what I feel right now Come take me down, Let it all come down. I thought of just those Times, Under the full moon. Remember the feeling that you set in motion, Yes, I can still think now. I can Still Feel now. Let the hurricane set in motion, yes. Let the pain of what I feel, becoming Real, Let it all Fall down. Hundred droves, Million tears. Billion Sobbs, And Instant Death, I can't let it all fall down, Come help me otu, I don't want it out, Don't let it all fall down. Let this hurricane come in now, let it kill me now, Let it all fall down. Into the dreaming, End it all, I wanna Runa awya but Don't know how, I wanna remember but I can't right now, Come help me out. Let the Truth Fall out. I wanna see your face. If only for today. Into the pain and End it all, Into the Dread and Ed it all, Into the Ice to end it all...

Your eyes burned into mine. We lay together under the warm night's sky. The moon was full. Your Lips were soft. Your Heartbeat Steady. Yuor breathing Slow. Your touch like Fire. Your Voice like silk. And those Damned eyes.... Thinsg Swarm me from every angle. The pool. The Sky. The moon. Your Arms Around My Waist. Your breath on my lips. Everything about you. That remarkable scent. Those Oceanic eyes. My heart beat fast. The thought of loosing you someday never occured to me in that perfect moment under the stars. Wrapped in your arms, I was invincible. Untouchable. Protected. I guess I'll never really move on from those things. Never give up the hope that I'll wake up from this dream. Never loose the prayer that some day, I'll wake up beside you again. I'll let you go now. I hope you find what You'r looking for. I hope that you remember the promise we made under the stars... The promise of stupid kids in puppy love. I hope you remember how hard I cried. I hope you remember my eyes the most. I hope that no matter who you're with... You remember the agony of letting go. Of typing out those final words. I hope with a desperate plea-- Remember this... And never put another throught the hell I'm in. The ice Casing my heart. The soullessness of my eyes. The hopeless helplessness of my heart. This unexplained throbbing in my chest at the sound of your name..Or the Sight of your picture... I hope you remember the kiss I gave to you. I hope you remember my Family. The way they trusted you. The way they smiled at seeing me out of my own hell. and I hope you can imaging the hell I see- Whenever I see our couch. Or our bench. Or blue eyes. Eyes that I used to dream or. Eyes. Always Your eyes. I hope you can remember me. And Remember everything I was to you. I hope you remember wiping the tear from my eye as you saved me. The warmth of my heart out of it's shell-- In your hands. Never again. I don't have the shards of my heart anymore. They aren't there. I have no pulse and I lay Dieing here on the cold, hard stone. I wait for your eyes to call me back, My crimson regret leaving me in droves. My breath slows. I remember that night under the stars... In your arms under the new moon. A Silent tear escapes. And There's no one near to save me this time as I slip into the darkness. I die a little more every time I hear it. Your name. I die a litle more every time I see them. Your Eyes. Always your eyes. My heart shards break a little more. Nothing but powder now. Another Tear. Another Day. I rise. I fight through it. I put on a smile. But deep inside, I just want to cry. All I wanted was my chance. All I wanted was to do my dreams. Or have a fighting chance for them. I asked you to wait. And Instead, I watched as you turned and left me. Alone in that dark pit of Desperation. Groping for your hand. Knowing it wasn't there. But I kept trying to find it. I'm still trying to come to the realisation that You're really gone. I wake every morning and cry a little more. I just wanted my chance. And you left me.

Before Sidekicks & iPods. Before MIKE JONES Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX. Before the 5 hours(5min) of homework you put off every night. WHEN LIGHT UP SNEAKERS WERE KOOL When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs. When gas was $0.95 a gallon & Caller ID was a new thing. When we recorded stuff on VCRs & paid $3.50 for a movie. When we called the radio station to request songs to hear off our walkmans. When 2Pac and Biggie where alive. When the Chicago Bulls were the best team ever. Way back.......... Tag. Hide-n-Go Seek at dusk. Red Light, Green Light. Heads Up 7 Up. Playing kickball & dodgeball until your porch light came on. Hopscotch. Slip-n-Slides. Tree Houses. Hula Hoops. Skip-its. Reading R.L. Stine's Goose Bumps. The annoying Nano Pets & Furbies. Running through the sprinklers. Crying when Mufasa died in the Lion King. Happy Meals where you chose a Barbie or a Hot Wheels car. Getting the privelage to sit in the front seat of the car. Drinking Sqeeze It "Squeeze The Fun Out Of It." But wait.... Watching Saturday Morning Cartoons in your PJ's still wrapped up in your Garfield comforter. Hey Arnold, Doug, Rugrats. The original Power Rangers Or what about.... The Secret Life of Alex Mac. Ren & Stimpy. Double Dare. Rocko's Modern Life. AAAHH!! REAL MONSTERS. Wild & Crazy Kids. Clarissa Explains it All. Salute Your Shorts. Are You Afraid of the Dark? The original cast members of All That. Kenan & Kel. The Magic School Bus. Flash Forward. Pete and Pete. Legends of the Hidden Temple. Hey Dude. Dinosaurs. Pinky and the Brain. Blossom. Hangin' With Mr. Copper. Wishbone. Bill-Nye the Science Guy. Kablamm. Who could forget Snick? & Nick @ Nite with Bewitched, I Dream of Jeanie, The Facts of Life, & I Love Lucy. Where everyone wanted to be in love after watching The Wonder Years. Or Nick Jr. with Face. Gulah-Gulah Island. Little Bear. Under the Umbrella Tree. The Busy World of Richard Scary. The Adventures of Winnie the Pooh. Kool-Aid was the drink of choice. Wearing your new shoes on the first day of school. Class field trips. When Christmas was the most exciting time of year. When $5 seemed like a million, & another dollar a miracle. When you begged to go to McDonalds for dinner everyday. When Toys 'R' Us overuled the mall. Go back to the time when..... Argument's were only started when it came to who was gonna be the redranger. Decisions were made by going 'eeny-meeny-miney-moe'. Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming 'do over!' 'Race issue' ment arguing about who ran the fastest. Money issues were handled by whoever was banker in 'Monopoly'. It wasn't odd to have two or three 'best' friends. Being old referred to anyone over 20. A chance to skate as a couple at the local roller rink was like winning the lottery. Scrapes & bruises were kissed & made better. It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the 'big people' rides at the fair. When playing Nintendo was the hardest thing ever. When Ninja Turtles ruled the world. When Lisa Frank was the raddest thing ever. When a candy bar at the grocery store was the highlight of your day. When coupons collected all year could get you a prize in your class auction. When the only thing you cried over was your mom being late to pick you up. When stress was addition and subtraction. When friendships were as complicated as who's house to sleep over. When shaving cream was just meant for play. When a first kiss only lead to cooties. When Valentines Day meant cards for all. When birthdays were a class event. When a friend moving away was the saddest day of your life. When the summer lasted forever. When time didn't matter. These were the days we hadn't realized escaped us until it's all brought back.

hello my beautiful readers...this is my first journal ever!!!! and if you were smart enough, then you know what the name of it is...and if your not smart enough to know, then it's the daily liet rant...the title is written in leit...and from this point on i will write in leit...so if you don't know it, i suggest you leave now.. -------------------------------------------------------------- 7|-|47 |/\|45 411 | |-|4|) 70 54'/.....7|-|4|\||< '/0|_| 4|\||) 900|)|\||9|-|7....