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Latest Journal Entry

September 27, 2007

{Sentimental Side of REjection}

Is life seriously going to go down hill, just like that? It kinda hurts, you know... Hunt and his entire anti act of me and Bryan... If he's really that against me, why doesn't he just come out and say it? Why does he have to hit below the belt? I admitted that I deserved less. What more can he really expect from me? Just give up and walk away from him? I can't do that. Not unless I know that's what HE wants. I refuse to be weak like that again... but it hurts so badly to know that he's getting so deep under my skin and he could seriously just walk away without any qualms at all. I wonder if he beleives me. I wonder if he knows that if he leaves me, I'll be done for... Woder if he understands how much a part of me he's become... Probably not. Hunt's probably right. He's probably only giving me a chance because he thought I was telling the truth. And the sad part is, he probably thinks it was an act and I know that if I had to, I would have been begging on hand and knee. He doesn't understand it... The Relapses are coming in strong waves these days... There's times I can't be near males, and at the same time I have to because of school. Other times i want to curl up into a ball and hide the tears I know are starting to show... I know I can't hide this forever. I know that they can all probably see me breaking. They tell me I look wonderful, or they ask me if I'm okay. It's either cheer me or confront me. Most choose to cheer me. And that makes it even more painful when those few confront me. I just want to curl up and hide... And I don't have my normal escape, either... He would find out... and he wouldn't understand, and I'd loose him for certain... but it's so tempting. It's right there. and I can't do anything. I can't balm the pain on the inside, and I can't aid myself in the only way I know how. He doesn't know. They all don't know. Terri understood, she knew... but I rarely see her anymore... and Joey understands me... He cheers me up... lets me forget about everything.... Helps ME. They wouldn't understand....

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