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February 12, 2006

Silently screaming

I just realized that I'll never get better. I'll always have these horrible thoughts in my head. THey wont go away. Thoughts of cutting, suicide, lying so that its easier to pretend that these feelings arn't real. Im so confused right now. I blame a portion of it on my parents. I hate them because they wont give me the freedom I want. Im silently screaming, loud and unclear, and they still wont hear me. I just want to disappear and go away and pretend that I never existed. I just wish that it were only that easy. I cant leave because I still have a whole ife to live, but I still want to hurt myself. Thats why im trapped. I cant die, but I still cant pretend nothing is wrong. I cant even trust myself with myself anymore because Im afraid of what I would do. I cant trust anyone else for that matter, either. I want to cut myself, and see the blood slowly run down my arm but...I dont know. Feeling pain is the only thing letting me know that I'm still alive. No on e understands me. Nobody's listening None of my friends know what I'm going through. The only friend that know's what im going through is because she went through cutting. She's better now, I just wish that i could say the same thing about myself. Its like everytime I seem to get better and feel healthy and alive again, my mom ruins it and its like back to square one. THen the thoughts come back, but twice as worse thant eh time before so im that much closer to hurting myself than i was before. I wont get better, and it wont go away. I feel so left behind, so out of place, so misunderstood. I hate myself and I hate myself for being alone. Its like im stuck between internal pain and committing suicide. Im not strong enough to leave, but im way too weak to find a cure. For now, I'll be alone and so the thoughts keep on comming back. I cant tell anyone cuz no one understands me. No one can hear me, so i guess i'll forever be silently screaming.

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