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Latest Journal Entry

August 29, 2007

Maybe.

I hate this.
I hate my life.

I can't stand the way I feel right now.
I can't stand it.

There are no possible words to describe how I feel at the moment.
There are no possible reasons to explain how I got in this positon.

How the hell could I have gone from being so happy it hurts to being so depressed that I am actually considering just running in front of a transport?

Well maybe because I am watching my grama die before my eyes.
Every day I wake up,hoping to God that he woke up too.
It's not okay that I am always worrying about him and it's not okay that he has to take six different puffers and has an entire counter full of daily pills he needs to take to stay alive.

Or maybe it's because I have to look in the mirror.
Because I can't stand how big my eyes are.
Because I can't stand having freckles.
Because I can't stand how big my nose is.
Because I can't stand how flat my chest is.
Because I can't stand how much I weigh.
I am sick of it, I am sick of wishing I looked like someone else.
There is no possible way to describe how bad that feels.

Maybe because I weighed 112 in June and now I weigh 99.
Because I am 13 pounds underweight for my height and age and am still not good enough.
Because I see fat everywhere I look on myself and am constantly comparing myself.
Because I am sick of starving,sick of excersizing so much,sick of getting paler and paler everyday.
It's not okay that I have this problem and it's not okay that people are starting to notice.

Maybe it's because I am sick of labels.
I had a crying face in my msn display name and Ryan Calvano says;"awww what's wrong? did you cut too deep?"

Maybe because I did cut to deep.
Maybe I did,and maybe I'll do it again too.
Because with every cut I feel more alive,
but with every cut I die a little bit more, because there's a little more blood.
It's not okay that I have to hide my wrists and it's not okay that I am addicted to the way the blade feels on my wrist.

Maybe because I just got dumped.
Because,maybe I am not good enough.
Or maybe I am not thin enough.
Or maybe he's just "too busy" to have a goddamn girlfriend!
Why did he have to make me feel like I was loved when he was just going to leave me anyway!?
Why didn't I try harder to make it last longer?
I've been crying for the past three hours.
And all he's been doing is apologizing to me,
and it hasn't helped one bit.
The only thing that really did help was when Stacey said;
"Hey man.I tihnk I know why you dumped her.And I tottally understand that you are into guys.I know how you feel about Jeffrey down the street and thats okay"

Maybe because I lost my favorite pair of earrings that my Gramma bought me from Ireland.


You know what?
maybe I am through with all of this.
Maybe I am sick of complaining.
Maybe I am done.

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