moonhunterz's Journal

well i was thinking that i might do some poems again to try and get things out of my head and i figured while i'm at it i might put a few on here like i did a few years ago. they probably wont be the best poems by any means because right now my brain is a bit wonky do to a serious headache that wont go away and has been effecting my brain. any way just wanted to give a heads up to any one who actually liked my poems.

this is basically so people don't think i've disappeared off the face of the earth. i've just been supper busy lately and on top of that my computer busted... was actually like 3 months ago that it busted so it's been a while lol. i've just got alot of things going on with life and haven't had the time to do anything i want to do. i barely have been sleeping because of it. i seriously didn't go to bed until 2am last night didn't fall asleep until 5 and i woke up at like 8 so i'm pretty much going off of 3 hours of sleep right now and it wasn't very restful either because i kept waking up and when ever i wake up a ton it drains me even more then if i hadn't slept at all and that's pretty much how my nights have been every single day for the last 6 or so months. i have to be functioning every day though because i have things to do. i have to keep my house life fuctioning because my parents and bro sure as hell wont. so i make sure the house is spotless (even though it's never good enough for my parents) so that the next day i have to clean it again because the family doesn't know how to pick up after them selves but i keep doing it so we can function in the house. i'm the one who goes from person to person in the family just to talk other wise we would all just be strangers in the same house with the same blood. which even though i keep trying to keep us talking we pretty much are like strangers because when ever i go talk to any of them it pretty much leads to a fight because supposedly i'm the one that's the bad guy in the family. i'm the black sheep in my house all because i want to have a functioning family. that's just the inside my house stuff too. that doesn't include the friend with cancer that because i've gone threw so much crap that when he told me i didn't even get upset which trust me made me feel like crap because in my head i was thinking "am i really that selfish that i can't even get upset when a good friend tells me he's dieing" but then after a long day of thinking about it and trying to figure out when i became so heartless it realized that it might just be because i'm so use to hearing bad news that it doesn't effect me like it should any more. i mean when every week i hear that a friend is in the hospital for one thing or another and then every week when i take care of one of my friends (i'm her caregiver) i have to pretty much breath for her because she passes out every week from being in so much pain and when she passes out she doesn't breath. then there is the seizures that most people would panic about... that i've actually seen people panic about... and it doesn't even fase me when i see some one have a seizure i just get to them do what needs to be done to get them passed it and continue on like nothing happened. then of course there was the friend that died of cancer this year... which all of this is this past year... actually like the past 7months. i had things happen before these past 7 months too so i mean obviously i've had some serious crap happen in my life lately and i think i've just become numb emotionaly to that stuff.... so i guess you can see why i haven't been able to come on here lately. any way i hope all is well with my friends on here and for any one else that happens to read this.

damn it if my life wasn't already complicated enough as it was. now the guy thing is getting complicated again. this one friend that i know likes me and that i definetly like but i know i could never date for so many reasons he keeps being soo sweet though. everytime i'm not around him i get to the point of being like ok i know it can't happen and i'm ok with it but then i hang out with him and i'm not ok with it any more because i do like him. he's so sweet, hilarious, handsom, and i just have a blast when i hang out with him. i mean yeah he has his down sides because he does smoke, drink, and party alot but when he's with me he's not that guy. he's the guy that i knew in high school, the guy that i fell for the first time. back then i refused to date any one though because i wasn't going to put the stress i had on any one else because the year that i first fell for him was the same year that was the worst year of my life. now though i don't have that stuff... the only problem i have now is that he has no time for anything almost. he works so much and then neither one of us can drive so we'd have to take the bus to see each other and doing that takes up what little time he has that i wouldn't want to do that to him. then there is the other guy that i talked about in my last journal he's just as wonderful. though this other guy does know how to feel like your the only girl in the world where as my friend doesn't know how to do that so much. so i mean i don't know what to do. i like them both and one is closer to me then the other distance wise because one is out of the city and the other is here but i can't just drop him out of the picture because i mean he knows i like him and i'd hate to hurt him but at the same time i can't hurt my friend because he's been hurt soo much already, i wouldn't ever want to hurt him any way because i do care about him, and i promised him i would never be like those girls he's been with. so now again i'm stuck in a situation where i hurt some one no matter what i do. i just can't clear my mind to think about it and my heart wants both so i'm helpless hear. any way i'm going to stop complaining just needed to get this all off my chest to help me get some sleep.

>.< life is so annoying some times. i finally get to the point where i'm ok with not having a guy in my life. i'm fine with just being friends with them and then this guy steps in... well doesn't exactly step in but more likes signs in. i met this guy online. he's really sweet and speaks so romanticly i sort of melt. i hate it though because i know better. i know if i fall for this guy it's just going to be heartache and pain all over again and i don't know if i can handle that any more i'm on the verge of just ending my life as it is that if i get hurt again i think it will be the end of me. yet i still am falling for him. all the stuff he tells me about how he misses holding a women in his arms or spending the night outside watching the stars with some one cuddled up with him just makes me melt. on top of that he's always talking about wanting that some one to be me some day. there are so many reasons i should just stay away from him but it's so hard not to stay because it's what my heart wants. the one and only thing i even want any more is to be loved. i want to be cared about, loved, cuddled, and just have some one that will cherish me like i would do for them. i know it will never happen though because there is something i have learned there is no such thing as love and if there is it never lasts. i have seen so many failed couples in my life and have yet to find one that is real love. even my parents who have been married for 18 years are a failed couple. they don't treat each other like they are each other's world or that they are even in love any more. my friends who i thought actually were in love i know aren't any more because they recently had a test and they showed that if they weren't together it wouldn't really matter they would just go there seperate ways. i don't want that kind of love though. i want one that will last. one where years from now i will look at that man i'm with and still feel like i'm the luckies girl in the world. one where even after all the time cherishs me for i will always cherish those that i love and have loved. the only way for me to even get a chance at that though is to go take a dive and hope that the dive is worth it. so why not give this guy a shot? well for one he's in canada and i'm an american so we're in different countries. another because i'm just too afraid of being hurt and the fact that i know the love i want... the true love... doesn't exist... but god how he makes me so happy. i mean when i talk to him i can't help but smile and god he's so hansom. i mean normally the looks i don't care about and all and most the time the inner beauty is what makes them look so good to me but he was so hot when i met him and the more i get to know him more he just looks better and better. he looks so safe and warm too. i mean he looks like the kind of guy u would just love to have wrap u in their arms and never let u go. he's very strong as well so if any one where to ever mess with me i know he'd be by my side to help me. i'm not weak by no means because i do know how to take care of my self but it would be nice not to have to take care of my self for once to have some one there to protect me. i'm so paranoid all the time right now it would be nice to finally be able to relax again and not have to worry about something happening every 2 seconds. i honestly don't get what my problem is. i'm so cautious with everything else and yet when it comes to love i fall for almost every guy that is like this even though i know it will get me hurt. i listen to my heart too much when it comes to love. but isn't that what i'm suppose to listen to when it comes to this? and if so why is it my heart is alway wrong. or am i doing the wrong? maybe i'm just listening to the wrong side because i don't want to feel pain any more.... god look at all that i have writen and it's mostly all just rambleing. i guess i'd better go before this gets too much longer.

ok problem: should i move or not?... story: ok so my parents seriously hate me. like the other day they pretty much told me i'm not part of the family any more and that they pretend i don't exist when i'm in my room. thing is though even though they hate me and i pretty much can't stand them i can't help but love them. they are family and 2 out of the 3 i share blood with... as in they are biologically family. so i mean even if they do hate me i still care about them. i can't just throw people that have been there so long away but if i do decide to move in with my friends like they have offered i have a bad feeling that's what will happen. especially if i tell them the way my friends want me to... problem is i have to pretty much tell my friends by monday if i am or not because that's when they want to get me out. no matter what choice i make i hurt some one though because i stay i hurt my friends and me because they want to get me away from the pain and well i hurt because of the stuff my family says to me. or i leave and hurt my family and even though they hurt me all the time i can't bring it to my self to hurt them. i don't like hurting any one. i hate hurting people at all. but sadly i have to so i don't know what to do. and either way i hurt because it kills me when i hurt other people because i've been hurt so much that i don't want to make any one hurt like i have. so i don't know what to do.... also if i don't move in with my friends... i also hurt the one guy that i love... i know i've said i loved a guy before but this guy really i don't know maybe i don't love him but i feel like i do and until i'm proven wrong i'm going to say i am in love with him. any way so if some one could help me that would be great if not well can't say i'd be dissappointed because i'm pretty much a helpless case.

i'm sick of trying. i try to effing be happy but no life just has to kick me down and keep beating me while laughin my face. for the past 3 fricken weeks i've been in and out of the hospital. not for my self though no i've been in and out because the people i care about have been in the hospital. on of them is in a god dam pyshic ward now even though i know she's not crazy she's just overly stressed and tried to kill her self and honestly i would have killed my self by now if it wasn't for the fact that i know i have to stay strong for one of my friends who truely has nothing. he has a couple friends that care but that's it. he has no family... well atleast not one i'd ever call family... father abuses him and brother treats him like crap cause he blames my friend for their mothers death. plus his bro is just a jerk. oh and on top of that this friend when to the hospital last night because his heart cancer (yes i know that's probably something u've all never heard of but guess what he has it so don't bother me with the oh god i've never heard of that crap). i'm always the one who has to be strong even though inside i'm weaker then any one knows. i'm just good at hiding my tears until i'm alone. i mean i was able to pull off a smile not 30seconds after crying and nobody knew because guess what when i cried i was alone and i'm good at looking normal quickly so nobody noticed either that or nobody cares which that probably is the case. i mean people say they care but they never show it. i'm the one always haveing to hold back the tears i'm the one always haveing to comfort those that have broke down i mean hell i even had to comfort the "strong" guy who doesn't cry and comforts everybody. yeah right i had to comfort him many times and guess what he's only comforted me once because there was one point that i just had enough and couldn't be strong but that's once out of god knows how many times. god i don't even know why i'm ranting nobody is even going to read this because NO BODY CARES. god if i wasn't so fricken careing and if i didn't actually want my one friend to live him self i would so just grab my knife and stab my self right now i don't know how many times i've came close the last couple days actually had my knife out and held it right to my stomach but then my friend would pop into my mind and i'd be like i can't i mustn't. i don't know if i can hold on any more though i'm stuck alone in my room with nothing but my thoughts. there is a few time that it doesn't hurt as bad though but that's only when i'm drunk. i've been drinking lately before going to bed so my body relaxes enough to sleep other wise i'm laying there crying or trying to harm my self in any way i can. which that brings up another thing i've been cuting alot lately and sadly it's not really helping like i want it too. of course if it worked that well i wouldn't be here. what ever i'm going to go get a drink and i don't know hopefully sleep have to get up really early so i can say good bye to my friend that is leaveing for the navy and god only knows if i'll ever see her again which knowing my luck she wont because well i have no luck and i know that's selfish and all that i'm careing about my feelings about her death and all but u know right now it's hard not to just say hey that would so be my luck lose some one i truely care about AGAIN. ok i'm going to go now i'm just ranting about crap and nobody cares so i really don't know why i'm doing it.

well i must say if there is one thing that can bring my spirits up after a stressful week in the hospital worrying if a friend is going to die or not it's definetly harry potter i just finished the book 24 hours after i receved it. do to the fact that so many people were at barns and nobels for the midnight party thing i was unable to get my book until 1am which is now the same time the next day. though even though i finished the last book 24 hours after the release of it i actually finished this book faster because unlike last time i actually slept some... now granted it was only 4 hours of sleep but that is 4 hours less that it took me to read this one then it did the last one because the 6th one i did not sleep until i finished. the reason i was able to read this one so much fast though was do to the fact that it was just that damn good. there was only one thing about it i have to say kind of sucked though... with this one i have realized that i've read the other books so much that i actually made j.k. rowing predictable. now granted there were a few things i wasn't expecting like at the beginning with the dudely scene (and i apoligized right now for anythign i spell wrong not really careing about spelling right now lol ). sadly though the ending result i was pretty much right... though i wasn't expecting both of my answers to be right because i have always said that if it wasn't they both die then voldemort would die. and as for snape i knew from the get go that he hadn't turned and that he still good even if he didn't show it.... and while i'm on snape sadly i also knew it was him that had the doe patronis. also i knew that peter and snape were going to die... though i'm sure i'm not the only one that predicted that one i'm sure that many more potter fans like me did as well. another thing i knew was that albus's brother was going to come into play in this book.. why else would j.k. rowing have made a point to bring him up in a past book? that is actually one of the things that i love about j.k. rowing is in her work she will put people in before they are actually importain and she makes them seam like that are unimportain so that u sort of just look past it and then BAM there it/they are in a later one as something importain... which that does remind me of another thing that i predicted as i know a fair few others had... R.A.B. that one i think j.k. rowing might have made a little obvious though. though if she had not brought up the R.A.B. in the 6th book and had put it in this one instead i probably would not have figured that out... it actually took me reading the books again just for the pleasure of reading the wonderful books again that made me realize who it was. he was one of those that i spaced on and when i read them again with the R.A.B. now known that's when i knew it was.... any way all in all it was a wonderful book and i have to say i'm very satisfied with the whole thing... as always i was hooked from the very start of the book and as i read more and more i just couldn't bring myself to take my eyes off the pages. then at the end i was so hooked that when i finished i looked up and realized that it was pitch black out side and that it everyone in my household had gone off to bed so that the only light in the whole hose was my one lamp so i could read. which speaking of lights... that reminds me of the objects albus left the 3... from the get go i knew that the only way harry would be able to open that snitch would be when he was faceing death again. as for hermionie's book and rons light out-putter thing (can't think of it's real name as of right now) i knew that there would have to be a picture of importaince in the book and i figured that the out-putter was going to end up provideing light when they needed it. though i have to say i wasn't expecting it to be able to send ron to harry and hermione when he was trying to return to them... ANY way i'm going to go before i provide the whole book here because as much as i like talking about it i also would like to see what others think and if i just continue writeing u'll spend another day reading this just cause i wrote so much lol

ugg i don't know what is up lately but i just feel like i'm going insane... i've been all paranoid to the point that i've been sleeping with my knife under my pillow and during the day rather then have it in my purse like normal i have it in my pocket so it's closer to me... on top of that the last time i was at my friends house i chose to sleep in another room because i didn't want to wake them up with all the times i jumped to every little noise and lately i've just had this bad feeling in my gut but i don't know why... and i just feel like i've been acting mental lately. god and right now i'm so worried about my friend he got in a fight with his father the other day which lead him into stabing his dad (trust me his dad deserves it) and now i haven't heard from him since the day he told me he did that. so now i'm all worried his dad did something to him and now he's dead or dieing and i can't help him. right now i'm just to the breaking point and i'm scared that i'm going to do something bad everytime i've had a mental breakdown i usually just go off on some one but i'm afraid that this time might be worse... i'm afraid that i might lose control or just go completely mental to where they have to restrain me or something... i'm going to be honest i've actually considered putting myself in a mental instatute (and i don't care if i miss spelled that or not spelling is the least of my worries right now). i can't afford to lose it though so many people need me to be strong right now... one of my friends is getting married in a week and so she's going to need me to help her stay strong and not freak out another friend is haveing a hard time at work cause of a basketball event that's going on in the city and she is a house keeper for a hotel so they are all booked up and she's busy busy with that and is tired and needs some one so she can vent and just talk to, another friend is needing help because she has a kid and she needs some one there to help her physically and emotionaly when the kid is being stubborn and there is only so much her husband can do cause the kid is very picky who she will calm down for and usually she likes the women when she's being fussy. then of course there is my friend that fought with his dad if he is ok when he gets back he really needs me cause i actually treat him like he's some one and i am one of the very few people who actually care about him and it's not cause he's not a good guy it's just cause he's stuck around crappy people. he's a very wonderful person in fact he's the nicest guy i know but he's just surrounded by crappy people which is why if he's ok i'm going to get him out of there some day. that is if i don't go completely insane... but when i get the money i'm stealing him away and having him live with me and he knows i plan on doing that to. this guy doesn't deserve the life he has and i want to help him get a better life but i can't do that if i go crazy... god if some one seriously walked into my room right now i think they would think i'm crazy i keep catching myself rocking back and forth i don't know why though. i don't get what's wrong with me i'm like freaking out or something and i need to stop. i can't freak out i just can't. oh and by the way no i'm not on drugs i have never truely done any drugs ever... well i did do pot once but that was an accident i was completely smashed and don't even remember doing it so to me that don't count especially when that was the only time i ever got that smashed. ok i'm done u people all probably think i'm nuts now any way so probably didn't even read this all. all well any way i'm out bye

first off please don't ask me how i found this out because you probably wouldn't believe me... now i know this isn't much but i know flmbuf or Giuseppe vincent capone didn't even see his killer. the bastard didn't even have the guts to look giuseppe in the eyes. of course that is sort of obvious since guiseppe was shot in the neck and back (that's what his sister told me after he was shot). she how ever did not tell me where the spots were that he was shot at. i don't know all of them but i know two of them. one was in the neck and the other was just below his shoulder. again don't ask me how i know these things because you most likely wont believe me... of course i really don't think any one will even read this since everyone has obviously forgotten about him. i'm really saying this because i hope that some how this will make it to the family, since i have lost all contact with them i have no way to tell them what i know... that's not all i know though. i know that there was atleast one man involved. there might be 3 people who were involved but i'm not sure yet... and the most important part that i hope gets to the family is that i know that he is very happy and that he is just as much of an angel now as he was when he was alive... now if any one who reads this is very open minded and really wants to know how i know this stuff then go ahead and ask.i can't promise that i will tell you but i just might... oh i forgot one thing. i know that the guy i know about had dark hair. it's like a dark brown maybe even a dark dirty blonde. it's something like that.

ok today i went threw trying to find atleast one other person that knew flmbuf before he died (i've had him on my mind all day) and you know what i found? nothing absolutely nothing. i am the only one that actually wrote a journal or anything for that matter for him. i guess i'm the only one who still cares about him on this site. i know his family still loves him and i guess that's what matters right? the only reason i'm pissed though is that i know there were people before that all were constantly talking about how great he was and that they even liked him and all that crap. if they really did care though they wouldn't have wiped off every memory of him now would they. maybe i'm just being dumb but i think that if you really did care for some one after they die you wouldn't erase everything you had to remember him by.

IF ANY ONE KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT THE MURDER OF GIUSEPPE VINCENT CAPONE PLEASE COMMENT HERE LETTING ME KNOW SO THAT I CAN MESSAGE YOU AND GET THE FULL DETAILS. I AM ASKING BECAUSE HIS FAMILY DESERVES JUSTICE FOR WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS WONDERFUL 17 YEAR OLD GUY. ANYTHING YOU TELL ME WILL BE INSTANTLY TOLD TO THE FAMILY... YOU MAY BE WONDERING WHY I'M ASKING THIS OF YOU. THE ANSWER TO THIS IS BECAUSE HE WAS A FRIEND OF MINE ON QUIZILLA AND HE WAS ONE OF THE BEST GUYS I HAVE EVER MET (AND I HAVEN'T MET VERY MANY GOOD GUYS). SO PLEASE IF YOU KNOW ANY THING AT ALL POST A COMMENT AND I WILL MESSAGE YOU ASAP TO FIND OUT EVERYTHING YOU KNOW (AND REMEMBER IF YOU ARE AFRAID OF SAYING ANYTHING BECAUSE YOU FEAR YOU WILL BE THE NEXT TO GO IF YOU DO SAY SOMETHING. NO BODY WILL KNOW THAT YOU HELPED BECAUSE NO BODY WILL KNOW ITS YOU ON THE INTERNET) OH AND IF YOU ARE WONDERING HE LIVED IN ITALY (I KNOW HIS FAMILY HAS BEEN ASKED WHERE IT WAS THAT IT HAPPENED. SO THAT'S WHY I'M JUST TELLING YOU NOW SO I DON'T HAVE TO BE ASKED.)

i was just checking out my friend flmbuf's journal to see if he had made a new post. there was a new post to... except it wasn't by him... it was his sister typing to let his friends know that he was killed recently... somebody shot him and they still haven't found the killer... now i'm not a religious person (not that i've got anything against it) but it would really make me and his family happy if you guys would pray for him. i know i'm going to and i'm going to pray that they find the bastard that killed him... ok i'm sorry i've gotta go.