outcastedd's profile

Scars Are Souvenirs You Never Lose.

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Member since
Dec 12th, 2009
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Last login:
Jan 9th, 2013

About Me

Music is my escape and so is she.(: Have a nice day, one of us deserves to.(:



Newest Creations

outcastedd's Latest Creations
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stories Happily Ever After
Published in Stories on 04/24/2012
0.00
poems Absolutely, Positively Not
Published in Poems on 04/24/2012
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poems A Secret Edge
Published in Poems on 04/24/2012
5.00
poems 101 Ways to Dance
Published in Poems on 04/24/2012
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poems Stab My Back
Published in Poems on 04/10/2012
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Latest Journal Entry

May 20, 2012

"I don't know what it is with you that makes me act like this."

I don't know. I guess I'm pretty sad right now. We've been together for almost two years. We started dating when I was 15 and she was 18. I like older women.(: Usually older than her, but...she's great. So I'm 17 now. She's 20. I'm very jealous, though I HATE to admit that. And so is she. I cheated on her. (No excuse, but I was drunk.) Almost a year ago. She lies to me. We fight. She's great to me. I have a temper. Its gotten worse over time. I want to treat her right, I want to treat her perfect, like I did when we first started dating. But I'm so different. We're so different. I want to treat her right, but then I think of all the lies. The shitty things. The things that I haven't confronted her about. But then she's usually so great to me. And we have great days. But we haven't had a great week, in too long. Its probably normal, you'll say, that I get extremely upset with the thought of losing her. With the thought of no longer sharing our memories. With the thought of what to do with her things. But sometimes I think it'd be best that we take a break. But not break up. I sound horribly selfish. But I want her to be there to come back to. Not after other women. Thats just cruel. But after some adventure. Or some alone time. Or some thinking. But I couldn't bear to lose her... She's the best thing thats happened to me. I love her with all my heart. But I'm tired of getting hurt. It's my own fault. She's made my emotions get the best of me. I shouldn't have opened up, but she opened me. I am forever vulnerable to her and only her. Sometimes I think that maybe this is all that I wanted. To be loved for a little while. Just to know what its like. And then to be alone forever. Traveling. With women on the side to come and go. But none permanent to worry if their love is only mine. Is her love only mine? Time can only tell I supposed. But I need her. I need her love. And I don't like that. I feel that its best to be alone. I'm drained. I want to make her happy and it tears me apart because I just can't seem to bring myself to do so. I think I'll save my money. Well, I can't cause along with hers it goes towards bills. I need a job. So I can have money to just leave. Travel the states. Or back to Canada. I have family there, so... But I need to be alone. Or with unfamiliar people. I read books because its so great, like another world that I'm in for a few hours a day. (Being how much I read.) I can't leave just yet. I have school. I have 6 months left in this lease that I owe her. And an explanation. And so much more of my love. My mind and body and soul. I am disgusted with myself. I can't imagine anyone reads this. Sometimes I just need to get my thoughts out...
---
your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose

-

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain, has such small hands

-e.e. cummings

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Aug 1st, 2014

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outcastedd's Favorites

outcastedd's Favorites
Type Title Published

See the entire list!

poems Smile, She Loves You 04/08/2010
poems Stabbed Secrets. 03/30/2010
poems Dreamless Sleeper 03/29/2010
poems When I loved You. 02/09/2010
poems Unfair Lessons (Not What You Wanted) 01/27/2010

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