pinkpunkhottie69's Journal

Here's something I wrote last night while listening to a mixed CD of Good Charlotte's "Hold On", "Emotionless", "We Believe", "Ghost of You", and "Predictable", with some other songs from Simple Plan, My Chem, and Avenged Sevenfold.



"So many nights I've cried. So many nights I've spent wondering. So many nights I've wasted.
These are the products of your departure, your escape. You left me wounded, confused, still young in this horrible, cold world. You never seemed to care about who was getting hurt. You never seemed to care that all my dreams were getting crushed, torn apart.
I never thought I could hurt this much. 'Tis mortal pain, truly. 'Tis mortal blood. 'Tis mortal tears. 'Tis mortal suffereing. Yet, 'tis also immortal. 'Tis also immortal longing. 'Tis also immortal confusion. 'Tis also immortal wondering. 'Tis also immortal flow of blood, like ink on paper. 'Tis as no one could think.
One thin red line, and it comes pouring from the marred skin. One solitary tear, and it comes pouring from the broken soul. One single beat, and it comes pouring from the crushed heart. One wavering breath, and it comes pouring from the halted lungs. One trembling word, and it comes pouring from the surpressed chords. One small sound, and it comes pouring from the black inside. One short ray of light, and it comes pouring from the dark void. One alien action of love, and it comes pouring from the violent core.
So many years I've spent searching. So many years I've spent blaming myself. So many years I was wrong. Only one person is responsible fo rhtis. 'Tis not me, my friends, my family, anyone... but you.
You had a choice: leave or stay. You had a choice to watch me grow, to help me grow. You had a choice to save me from this pain, this suffering. Yet you chose to leave. You chose to walk out on the one person who ever did believe in you, although I was young, inexperienced, uneducated. You forced to me to experience unnecessary tears, unnecessary blood, unnecessary heartbreaks.
You had a choice and you made your decision. And it must always be your final decision. For you cannot change the past.

Just remember. Every night before you go to bed, remember. Every morning when you wake up, remember. No matter what you do, or where you go, remember. Always remember:
You did this to me. You inflicted this upon me...
Dad."

Gr.. Sometimes life is so complicated. I'm 15-years-old for God's sake. I shouldn't be thinking about whether or not my friends are going to commit suicide, do drugs, or drink alcohol and then drive and get killed. I shouldn't have to worry about whether or not everything is going to be a living Hell when I get home. I shouldn't have to worry about who I'll end up fighting as soon as I walk into school. I shouldn't have to worry about whether or not someone I love is going to die. It's bullshit. Too many things keep me awake at night.I can never sleep, I can never eat, and I can never have normal thoughts. I should be worrying about who I'm going to the next dance with, what I'm going to wear the next day, how I'm going to do my hair, what boy I like and if he likes me back. But no! I have to worry about death, pain, suffering, tears, blood, sweat, fear, nightmares, suicide, torture. I don't think I can deal with it anymore.

I am going to post an e-mail I got from my grandma. It's kinda sad, seeing as it's the truth.

A dog had followed his owner to school. His owner was a fourth grader at a public elementary school. However, when the bell rang, the dog sidled inside the building and made it all the way to the child's classroom before a teacher noticed and shoo'ed him outside, closing the door behind him. The dog sat down, whimpered and stared at the closed doors. Then God appeared beside the dog, patted his head, and said, "Don't feel bad fella...they won't let me in either."

Now I'm not saying I do believe in God or anything. But I think it's really true, yet sad. The society these days is so fricking screwed up, having their heads shoved so far up their mother fucking asses that they can't take the time to look around, and see the pain and suffering of people less fortunate.

Just take the time. Look around. Help someone. Trust me. It's worth it in the end.

It's amazing how you always seem to make me laugh no matter what. It's amazing how it always seems like you never have to try to think of something, as if it's just there on the tip of your tongue. It's amazing how you've changed my mind about loving, living. It's amazing how you make me feel like the only person on Earth, even in a crowded room of girls much more gorgeous and popular than I. It's amazing how you always seem to make me think about what you mean, long after you might have left the room.

Thank you, so much, Jacob, for always being there, even when I felt like I was alone. You are truly the greatest friend anyone could ever ask for. I love you.

Okay, so this is the first day of this beautiful journal. Being bored like usual. Got grounded off my CD player. Which is very stupid. Just because I didn't clean my closet out. But on a better note... I have been sleeping since 7:30 last night. And it's about 10:50 in the A.M. right now. I passed out from exhaustion. Very fun. I raked the leaves yesterday, but got tired, so I climbed the tree, and saw this really HOTT guy who looks exactly like Zacky Vengeance from A7X. But he used to look like Gerard Way. But...o/well...**sigh** Well, I better go. Later.