potterfreak16's profile

Latest Journal Entry

February 19, 2008

the good old days.

*sighs dramatically*

I miss the good old days.

Does anyone here remember those? The days when I was updating frequently, when I had enormous amounts of inspiration, when my muses didn't decide to go on vacation twelve times a year? The days when I maintained steady contact with my readers and my friends?

I guess you could say "real life" took over these past few years. It's not the best or most creative excuse I could've come up with, but it's honest.

When my life became too busy to spend time on Quizilla, I lost an important part of myself. I lost a part of myself I'd had since childhood, and that was my absolute passion for the written word. Since my life has become consumed with lecture halls, severe anxiety, and ridiculous amounts of Hausaufgaben (a cookie for anyone who knows what that means and in what language), I seemed to have lost the ability to be creative. Plot bunnies used to pop up on me uncontrollably, and now I'm lucky if I have one burst of inspiration a year.

I feel overwhelmed most of the time. There never seems to be enough time in a day anymore. Sleeping is something I actively look forward to, mostly because it means a few hours' peace. Classes are hard, grueling, time-consuming; I expected this going into college, but I signed away my life when I decided to take on nineteen credit hours. In retrospect, it was a bad decision. I can't change the past, though, so it's better to move on and learn from the mistakes I made. It's not just school that frustrates and overwhelms me, though. It's more than that. It's life.

I've been a nervous person for as long as I can remember. I tend to worry and overanalyze things, and my biggest fault is that I worry about things that may not ever happen. I pick out the worst-case scenarios of any given situation and use them to convince myself not to try something. I'm asked repeatedly to go out to clubs, bars and parties with my friends, and although a part of me is desperate to let loose and have fun, the bigger part of myself that has dominated me throughout my life thinks about what could potentially go wrong and I end up staying home. I'm afraid of what people are thinking of me. I'm terrified that they only see a fat girl when they look at me. I remember a time when my anxiety wasn't this terrible, when I was confident enough to go out and get what I wanted out of life. I'm not that person anymore. I don't know when or how that changed, but I miss the old me.

I don't have a support group at school, and I suppose I haven't had one for a very long time at home, either. My parents are great, but outside of them I feel very disconnected from people. Erin and Laurie have always been there for me, even in times when I haven't exactly returned the favor. It's hard when you live so far apart, though. Sometimes you need something tangible. Sometimes you need a hug, a shoulder to cry on, a smile that lets you know you're not crazy and you'll end up all right in the end. They would give me these things in a heartbeat if they could, and I know that. I wish I could just fix myself.

People change; this I know well. But how did I change? How did all of this happen? The chapters I've been churning out for Oddities are mediocre at best. People still tell me I'm this great writer, but I think it's mostly out of habit now. Maybe I used to be a great writer, but I'm not anymore. Maybe I never was; I don't know. All I know is that when I was three years old, I would steal sheets of paper from my mother's desk and I would take a crayon and write stories about the people in my life. When I was four I went to the doctor's and made up an elaborate story to describe the bruise I had on my knee. When I was eleven I entered a short story in a school contest and won.

My whole life has been about writing. What do I do now that I've lost the talent?

View potterfreak16's journal