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silverjet12's profile
"Easy peasy pumpkin peasy... pumpkin pie, motherfucker."-♥gerard way♥
- Member since
- Nov 7th, 2006
- Profile Viewed
- 747 Times
- Last login:
- May 4th, 2008
Newest Creations
| Type | Title & Info | Average Rating |
|---|---|---|
| stories |
ONE SHOT+Our Hearts Are Colourless+ORIGINAL SLASH |
5.00 |
| stories |
When we fall\he's not perfect\[12] |
4.00 |
| stories |
back when crying meant dying+[5]+you dont have the right |
5.00 |
| stories |
Oh So Broken\all the things you never knew\[5] |
4.00 |
| stories |
GERARD\\A players escapade +6+ \\FRANK |
4.75 |
Friends
Latest Journal Entry
September 23, 2007
thois is just me. all i can be, all i'll ever be. un edited.
I wrote this a few weeks ago, when i was crying and half delirious. Its me, its real, its unedited, and if your going to be a bitch about it...just. do it. I have nothing to gain from this. just a hope that you people will at least TRY to understand me.All my life all I ever wanted was to be heard. I haven't been. I am a shy girl, as I was taught it wasn't ladylike or attractive to be loud, or noisy. So it stayed bottled up.
Nobody thought to look underneath my skin, to actually see ME and what was wrong.
On the internet I was something else. I transformed from A-S-H-L-E-Y to A-S-H-L-E-E. I had tons of friends, i spoke my mind, and i wasn't afraid to be different. People actually LISTENED. But, for then, it was as if i had nothing left to tell.
It stayed that way, except for on certain nights. SHE'D stab in to me, tearing at the cracks and ripping me at the seems.
It wasn't so happy in the daytime either, but the nights, oh, it was as if, they feeded her rage. and i was always the target.
The getting snatched around a little bit wasn't my biggest problem. It was the WORDS. Like she could read my mind, she knew what hurt the most. She knew what would break me, and it worked to her advantage.
When she had had enough for the night, and she'd gone, i'd lay there on my bed, too troubled to sleep, gasps racking out of my body, as i tried to stop crying enough to BREATHE.
I was crying again, like a pathetic little baby, and i hated myself for it.
I wanted her to pay, to see what she did, to show her what went through my mind, courtesy of her.
Suicidal thoughs, ways out, wishes were never enough, yet they were all i had. I was never BRAVE enough to do anything like that.
The thoughs always made my heart heavy, as if i had something in me dying to get out. It was ME.
The part that scared me the moset, is that she'd pretend everything was "normal" the next day. And i went with it. It was as if it never happened...until the next time of course.
Other than times like these i felt "normal." Well, as normal as I'd ever be any ways.
I was still a child, constantly being told she was "fat, stupid, and a bitch," one day, and the next being "beautiful, smart, and kind." all being said by the same person, as her moods affected her. It was confusing.
I didn't like myself. I was always conscience of my weight, hair, skin, everything.
Her words started to turn into my own, when i looked in the mirror, or did something I wasn't proud of.
I had talents, but they were never enough. I could write, but not well enough, either. Nothing was ever enough.
I wanted a perfect life-no, not even perfect, just NORMAL and LOVING.
i wanted to be beautiful and talented, with gorgeous friends, and a loving family. I wanted so much, but it could never be.
So many things would set her off. A bad grade, an unclean room, normal stuff. I even got randomly yelled at for no reason. thanks to her bad day.
I cant deny, i had more things than a lot of kids, and i asked for a lot too, but what i really wanted was to be loved, and understood.
I've always heard about these people with great families, and my friends were just like them. But i could only compare on the SURFACE. but....it wasn't.
Nobody cared enough to look and see, and, oh, she could hide it so well.
If they only knew...but if i told someone what i thought and felt what could happen? they'd tell everyone? not care? PITY me? I dont want anyones pity.
Daily Horoscope
Nov 9th, 2009
Read Full HoroscopeVirgo
You may not be out in front of the pack right now, but you're definitely a contender. So keep your eye on the big prize. If you start to think about giving up at any point, refocus and continue the race -- you're almost there!
