vampir3fr3ak's Journal

Well... I haven't made a journal entery in a while. Alot has happened. I got a boyfriend and I broke up with him after about 3 and a half weeks. I got a new boyfriend the same day. His name is Brice. We've been going out for about 2 1/2 weeks. This is how the last few days have gone.......... Wed. I thought he was cheating on me. Thurs. He admitts to it. Fri. He tells me he's going to Russia for military school, for 3 years. He left after we talked. He thought I was mad at him. But, I love him so much. The last things we said to eachother were Malaina:don't forget me Brice:never Malaina:-hugs- Brice:-hugs- Brice:I love you Malaina: I love you too Brice: bye Malaina: bye.... I had so much more to say. So much that I wish I had said. Like, "You mean the world to me. You're my everything and I don't think I can survive without you. 3 years is along time. I know I wont forget you. I'll be counting down the days until your 18th birthday. I don't want you to forget me. I will never forget you. I don't know if this means we're not together anymore.. or if this means you're just gone.. but, I'll always love you. You're my penguin. (theres a picture I have that says "Boy: did you know that when a penguin finds its mate, they're mates forever? Girl:-hides face- Will you be my penguin?" and He told me he'd be my penguin.)Im inlove with you. Even if you live far away. You mean the world to me. You're my everything. You're the best thing thats ever happened to me. I don't know if you're serious about this relationship, but I am. I love you. Bye baby." I wish he knew how much I really love him. I'll think about him everyday. I'll probablly cry everyday. But, I can't wait until he comes back. He's my everything. If you read this im sorry it was so long. I had alot to say.. Thank you for readin if you did. Comment on things I can do to help thingss go by better. Bye. ~Malaina ♥ Brice 4Ever~

There are too many arid people in the world. They just don’t care. The ones that do care really need to ascend. We’re asphyxiated by lies, and fake, cruel people. They’re bleak and apathetic. We’ve lost all of our aspiration and assimilation to goodness. The callousness of our environment is now a banality to many. We use alcohol and drugs as a way of a catharsis , we avail it. Such things as ‘good’ are a clandestine to our world. Thus, making those who are still open to good, coy. The reason being, they’re afraid of those who will disdain them; after all, they too are only human. That may dispel them of their purity. The ones who are turned bleak and apathetic speak with eloquence , thus turning others like them. The good who ascend should enamor others with love and be an eloquence to others. The enmity of the apathetic should in time change. Thus, making our world like a chrysanthemum of white. Don't Know A Word? Look It Up dictionary.com

He's over, it'll always hurt, I'll always be reminded of him because of his stupid common name and the scars from the 4 cuts.. but, if he doens't love me, why should I obsess? I know it'll take a while ot get used to, but, it's okay. I'll love again. I miss him, how things were, but, I can't do anything about that. I can still say I love him. But I wont torture myself over this. I hope she makes him as happy as he said I made him. Fake love can hurt just as bad as real love.. " Do you ever feel like someones your breathing tube.. but then they leave and you're being suficated.. you didn't know but when they were there your heart was breaking because they didn't mean what they told you.. but you were a fool.. you believed it."--Me.. The Vampire will move on.. I will love again..

I know this wont mean anything since you don't feel that way no more.. but I kinda just had to get rid of it.. I remember you saying you have a white boi's name and you don't always like it.. so a while back I thought this would make it a little better... You know you're crazy when they name someone who spys on people after you.. peeping Tom.. You know you're awesome when they name a gender (male) of an animal after you.. Tomcat.. You know you're the shit when they use your name to describe a sporty chick.. Tom boi.. You know you're way coolio when they name a gun after you.. Tommygun.. You know you're special when you make the beginning of her day.. TOMorrow.. You know you mean everything when you literally make up everything.. aTOM.. (scientific term) You know she loves you when she says your name after those three words.. I love you Tom... ----~*~---- ---~*~---- Was it wrong to send him that? Im still in love with him.. am I suposed to be trying to get over him.. if I am.. am I doing it the wrong way? I miss him.. I love him.. I'll always love him.. but I can love others too.. right?

Well.. I took him off my top 8 completely.. being this far away from him was hard but knowing he doens't care anymore is even harder.. alot of the time when I think about him I'll push myself to be "better". Have you ever thought that someone doesn't love you because you're not good enough? I cried myself to sleep saying that no one loves me.. my cat his name is Joey.. he doesn't even love me.. what am I doing here? I wish I could die.. he wouldn't miss me though.. he doesn't know that I think about him all day.. but try soo hard not to.. to get over him.. to get over the feeling of love is like trying to.. hm.. it's like nothing i've ever felt.. I hate myself for loving him.. I hate myself for letting myself get hurt.. I hate myself for not being good enough.. I hate myself for being alive.. I hate myself for being me..

I still think about you all day long. I still wish you loved me. I still love you. I've been having dreams about you. I miss you so much. Is there something wrong with me? Did I do something to hurt you? Or is just me.. I knew I wasn't good enough.. but can't you just tell me? You don't know what I would do to have you say I love you again. I remember before you were so sweet.. but you changed to being distant to not talking to me at all. This shouldn't affect me so much since we were never together and lived so far away.. but my heart yearns for your love. My skin years for your touch, my lips long for yours, and my hands long for yours. I need you.. I really really need you.. or maybe I should just let go.. kill myself.. you wouldn't notice though would you?... "Good bye my lover, goodbye my friend, you have been teh one, you have been the one for me..."

It's official.. I know now that it's over. He didn't exactly say it but I know because I said "I missed you we haven't talked in a while" and he stopped talking to me. He told me before that "Im cute you're sexy im sweet you're naughty see perfect match.. He said that to me.. He told me we we're the perfect match.." I told him what would happen if I died he said he would die too because im his life.. well im dieing here.. with out him.. im nothing. He seems alive and well. I'll probablly cut over this.. I wish I could let go.. it hurts so bad. I miss him so much. We got along so well and everything was great. It's prolly me. I wish I were different. I wish I were dead. I was born 2 months too early I weighed 1 pound 11 ounces.. I was suposed to die.. why didn't I?

He doesn't say it any more.. I love you. Not even I love you too.. not even I know.. I thought at least an I know. -sigh- This hurt's. Maybe he doesn't love me anymore. I can understand that, but would he tell me he doesn't anymore? I hope he would, it would hurt even more knowing he'd lead me on. How long do I wait for him to say something? Will he say something? This bites!

Im actually happy.. I think about him all day.. I know he live's far away.. I know I love him though.. I now know that he truelly love's me and I feel so happy like nothing can bring me down.. I have a picture of him on my phone and when I forget and get upset.. I look at it.. and I feel good again. This is the most amazing feeling ever, the feeling of love, people tell me it's not real.. that he's not inlove with me, but I believe him. I feel like one of the most happiest people ever. I haven't felt like this in a long time. I never want this feeling to leave, I want to be with him forever, I never wanna not be his.. I love him. --Malaina

I just wanna be good enough I wanna be different.. I want you to notice me.. I want you see me.. I've tride changing.. I thought it was working.. I thought people could see me..I thought it was all different.. like maybe I was making it better and I was almost good enough.. so I continued to change me.. stopped eating.. bulimia.. now.. my dad;s telling me to change to dress differently.. to be different.. when am I gonna be good enough? When am I gonna be what they want..? when?

First I had a dream about Tom and we got married.. and we got into a fight and I yelled "IM PREGNANT!" and he was soo happy.. ~AFTER~ I had a dream that him and I went to the movie's and we saw this girl and she said "Hey Tom" and walked past.. it took him like 4 min's to say hi then I said she's pretty.. he said "and smart, and safisticated, and funny, and amazing, and beautiful, with a perfect body.. she's perfect" then I got mad so I said "im gonna go to the batheroom" and he could just repeat the word "perfect.." (hint: we were dating)and I threw up in the batheroom and we watched the movie went back home and we fell asleep I woke up first and I went to talk to his brother I said " what's up with Tom and ?" (I don't know her name)and he said "how do you know about her?" I said "we saw her yesterday" and I told him about what Tom said (Tom had told him about the eating disorder) and he said "it hurt's huh?" and I said "yeah.. alot.." and I almost started crying but than I said "im gonna go home.. tell Tom I'll see him later or soemthing" he woke Tom up and smacked him on the head than he was like "what the fuck is your problem?" and Tom said "what the hell are you talking about? where's Malaina?" "exactly you ass!" and Tom said" what are you talking about!?" and his brother told him what I told him.. and Tom got mad and went to my house I was throwing up when he came in he waited for me to come out.. than he started yelling at me for telling his brother Tom started yelling all crazy.. then he left.. his brother said "you were only there for like 10 min's what the fuck?" and he said "she's a bitch!" ~NOW~...and now if I send him something.. he'll reply to the first thing.. but nothing else he'll read t but that's it.. then I was listening to James Blunt and every time he said you're beautiful I wanted to scream and cry and then throw up so that I was beautiful I just don't get it.. what's wrong with me? Thing's are getting so weird.. I can't handle this anymore.. I feel like im slowly slipping into darkness.. I don't know what to do.... For those that read it im sorrie it was alot.. I just had alot to say.. I don't really know what to do with the Tom thing and the bulimia.. im so confused..

Im so scared, what if I can't stop it? Im bulimic and my therapist (yes I have one) if I don't stop what im doing and I continue to loose more weight that she will have to talk to my mom about hospitalization. What if I can't stop it, everything feel's so good, the way people see me now, I can almost feel some of my bones, I don't want to get better, but im afraid that if I don't I could hurt myself really bad. I don't know what to do, I know what it can do to me hair loss, loss of having babies, you get cold easier, your hands will turn purple, certain avtivities make you super tired, your teeth don't get vitamins, your body doesn't get health and nutrition taht it needs, and a whole bunch of otehr stuff. But, it make's me feel good, and people like me this way, you might think it's nothing really if you were to see a picture of me (if you do go to www.myspace.com/alivebytehkissofdeath) I like the way it changes me, I feel better. Im still scared though I don't know what to do.. I just don't know..

I feel so lost. I remember how you used to make me feel. "When you loved me, I loved myself- Evanescence" I want that feeling back.. I want to be able to breathe again. Im really invisible this time. I truely have nothing, no one. I find myself saying theses word's over and over again in my head.. "I can't breathe, I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't talk to anyone, I don't want to hold on anymore, you made me feel so good, but now so bad.. I don't know what to do anymore.. I don't want to hold on anymore..." I wish you knew how hard I fell for you.. how horrible I feel about.. feeling anything. I wish poeple knew I was really here, I wish you really saw me. I end up hurting myself, trying to make myself better for you, for me, for everyone. Starving myself (Anarexia nervosa), bing and perg (bullimia nervosa), hurting myself (cutting). I wish you knew I was still here. I wish you felt everything I feel. I wish you saw how much everything is hurting me. I wish someone gave a damn. I guess I should just let go. If you were to notice.. I want you to know that I will alway's love you(You being everyone). If you miss me(doubt it).. "No one is ever gone if there's someone there to remember them." I love you. Good~bye.

I can't take it anymore. I want to wish you all a happy life no matter if your a preppy *****, I want to leave, yet there is only about 4 people holding me back. Out of the million family members I have (were Mexican were fertile people(sorrie my spelling sucks)) I have said sorrie at least 20 times today, for such small things, because I feel so sorrie that the world is cursed with I. I cant stay here anymore, I want to leave. I can't let those 4 people down though. I can't hold on though. Its to much to take in I dont know what to do or what to feel. I just can't stay here with out cutting myself or drinking away my pain(i've never done that before(I should)) I wish I were numb to the orld, or as invisible as they maek me feel, or atleast worth a life. I can't hold on anymore I cant breathe, I can't do it. I want to be loved, I want someone to care for me in the way that they love me, and want to love me forever, but (if you've read my other journals(ou probably haven't)) I know it will never happen. I hate it, the feeling, the knowledge that I'll be lost forever, I want to die, I cant hold on. I can't give up either for those 4 peoples sake. I can't stay for their sake though as well, I don't want to ruin their life. Sorrie this was alot, thank you if you read it. I know I've waisted your time, I just want to be heard, for the last time, and first I might add. Sorrie again, and thank you again.

DONT SAY IT...DONT TRY TO MAKE IT BETTER....DONT LIE TO ME......DONT SAY YOU LOVE ME......DONT TRY TO TAKE IT ALL BACK ...... BECAUSE IM JACK THE RIPPER....YEAH JACK THE RIPPERS A GIRL AND IM BACK...SO DONT TALK TO ME..DONT TELL ME YOU STILL CARE.....DONT TELL ME YOU STILL LOVE ME.....BECAUSE IM JACK THE RIPPER BABY AND IM GONNA RIP YOU APART......SO DON'T EVEN ACT LIKE YOUR STILL HERE! JUST DONT!

I can't stand when you yell at me! I can't stand when you tell me you love me, because I know it's not true! I can't be here! I can't fake a smile just so you don't ask anymore! I know everything you tell me is a big lie! I can't tell you how much you hurt me everyday!! I can't tell you how much I want to leave and for get my past!I just wanna....I just wanna leave! I dont want you to tell me anymore lies! I just want love! What you gave me was nothing of it! It never will be! No love!

I just want to get out of here, I want to leave. I don’t want to be alive anymore. I don’t want to feel pain every time I see two people in love. I don’t want to feel pain every time I think about that one emotion, that one feeling I simply just can’t have. I don’t want my heart to wish for something that it can’t have, I don’t want my mind to hope to learn to feel something that it’ll never feel. I don’t want my arms to yearn to touch something that they’ll never touch, or my lips to desire to taste something that they’ll never taste. I don’t want to feel anymore. I only want what I can’t have. I only want.....love.

Do you ever watch a movie, see any character and there exactly like you or someone you wish you were? They fall in love with someone and its absolutely amazing, like that love right there is the most incredible love you’ve ever seen? But, you don’t think that it could ever happen to you because your not worth it or because no one......no one could ever love you? Like when it comes to you, love is no longer blind and it can see all of your flaws, and all of your mistakes, and.....you? Like, it’ll never happen because it is you? Does it confuse you? Does it make you cry and want to scream? Does it make you wish you were dead? Does it hurt you.....as much as it hurts.....me? Can anyone help me? Can anyone tell me what’s wrong with me?