Comments on xxSatansAngelxx's Journal

So began one of the many cliched poems I wrote years ago. At the time I was convinced that I was depressed. I was sad often. My moodiness was uncontrollable. And after all, depression runs in my mother's side of the family. What else could it be?

At the end of the day, I was a normal girl. I loved music, reading, and art. I enjoyed hanging out with my friends. I didn't have the best social life; I was never invited to parties, and even if I had been, large social gatherings weren't my thing anyway. But most days after school I would spend time with my best friend Sandy, or with one of my other friends from school, or if I couldn't do that I would go home and write poetry (often about feelings of depression, sometimes with suggestions of self-mutilation thrown in) that I would look at and realise it was trite and cliche. Then I would find REAL poetry to read. And I loved it. And I loved a lot of things. But my emotions could turn on a dime. I was so, so moody.

I was NOT depressed. And neither are the people who feel like this, who feel sad a lot or have mood swings and are overly emotional, who are 13/14 years old, and go out every day to spend time with their friends and have things they do that they LOVE. You may feel sad and lonely a lot, but that is NOT depression.

Now, let me explain something. From the dawn of time, I'm sure, it has been a deep-woven part of the human psyche to want to break away from the previous generation somehow. Each new generation has trends that confuse and sometimes repulse the generation that came before them. New music that makes mother's ears bleed. Clothing that makes father almost embarassed to be seen in public with his children.

This generation seems to have a whole new kind of trend. Some of these are not only dangerous, but offensive to many people. One of these trends is "depression."

I'm not going to preach to you that unless you've been abused, neglected, molested, impoverished, or otherwise traumatized, that you are not depressed,because that isn't the case. But depression is a trend, and most of the people who claim to be depressed don't even fully understand it. After all, depression is a thing that you CAN'T understand, unless you've truly dealt with it for yourself. Strong feelings can be misleading, but once you've hit it, you realise the naivete which had blinded and misled you before.

This generation is full of preteens who claim depression. They tell their friends they are suicidal; they blog about how sad and alone and maybe even angry they are, or how strange they think it is that their moods keep switching.

Well, lads and lasses, I'm afraid here is where the tone of our story must switch.

What you are dealing with, kiddies, is a little thing called ADOLESCENCE. It is a phase during preteen and early teenage years, during which hormones are behaving differently. Hormones, contrary to what those uneducated to the subject may believe, do not just influence sex drive and reproductive organs. Hormones affect every aspect of the human behavior, and while they are overactive during adolescence, they cause confusion, emotional instability, and some isolation while the child is trying to understand their own emotions.

THIS IS NOT DEPRESSION.

While confusion, emotional instability, and isolation are symptoms of depression, you can't possibly honestly believe that a subject as complex as depression is so black-and-white as to be summed up as "I feel sad all the time" or "I have a lot of mood swings" or even a combination of the two.

"So what IS depression then, Katie, if you're so intelligent?"

I have dealt with it in varying degrees over the past couple years. When I was younger I THOUGHT I was depressed, but all I was dealing with was adolescent angst with a twist. A little bit of extra stress to enhance the effects of being a 14-year-old girl. As I got older I dealt with genuine depression, and it is something I still struggle with. So what does it MEAN?

Depression yes, makes you often feel sad and emotional and lash out. Yes, it jumbles up emotions. But that is a very small PART of it, and if that is the only symptom you have, even coupled with some isolation, then no, you are NOT depressed.

Depression also means losing interest in the things you love. Those of you who vent about your deprssion, and then turn around and declare intense passion for music and art? I'm sorry, but that is not depression. Depression would hinder your passions. You may not completely lose interest in these things, but you wouldn't be able to be so enthusiastic about them either.

Depression hinders the social life. If you're going out almost every day after school, or if you're with friends a lot; if you still feel a deep connection with most of your friends, then you are probably not depressed. That's not to say that depressed people don't have friends; but when dealing with depression it is damn near impossible to maintain those friendships, do to extreme feelings of isolation. When a person is depressed, his/her social life is impacted in that even with friends, s/he does not feel comfortable. Without depression, for example, I could go out with my friends and just laugh and forget about life. That's the way friends are, after all. They can make you feel good, and when you're with them you're not really thinking. You know that you are with people you love even without consciously confirming it. With depression, however, even when with my best friend, I have nothing to say; I feel extremely distanced from her. Conversation becomes difficult. Basic every day interaction becomes difficult. It is not uncommon for people with depression to spend almost all of their time alone--no, preteen angsters, I don't mean hiding on your computer in your room all night so as to avoid the parentals; I mean avoiding your best friends too, because you fear what they see in you.

In some cases, depression also leads to general anxiety around people. Going to the mall, for example, may make for an uncomfortable experience. Very few things can delete this feeling of isolation. (For me, the only thing that seems to work is concerts. Not necessarily music in general, just concerts, where I can feel completely enveloped by the music.)

Depression may cause mental breakdowns. Many preteens think that all a mental breakdown consists of is screaming and crying and maybe hyperventilating and throwing things for an hour. No, dearies, a mental breakdown consists of more than that. In my experience, during a mental breakdown I completely lose control of my mind. I can't think, I can't even talk. Interwoven with the breakdown are several consecutive full-blown panic attacks. There have been occasions where I actually lost control of my mind and emotions to the point where I have done things that I came to deeply regret. And no, I don't mean self-mutilation of any form. I mean something I regret so much that I'm not even going to say what it is I had done.

No, depression doesn't HAVE to consist of the extreme cases and mental breakdowns. But generally, if the only symptoms you have are the sadness/anger, mood swings, and slight isolation, odds are you are NOT depressed. Not if you can still go out with friends and enjoy yourself and not feel out of place wherever you go. Not if you still have intense passion for the things you love to do.

"But Katie--I cut! Why would I do that if I'm not depressed?"

I've got news for you. I cut a few times too. Never very deep, but still enough to concern those around me. I'm not going to say that cutting and/or other forms of self-mutilation only accompany the teen-angst form of depression, because obviously that isn't the case. But I've also known plenty of people--myself included once upon a time--who cut as a way to convince THEMSELVES that they're depressed. Inflicting pain on oneself makes it more real. It makes the depression something tangible--it's PROOF. Most of the time without even realising it, people cut not BECAUSE they're depressed, but to PROVE they're depressed--be it to themselves or to those around them. Andn that is something of a slap in the face to people who cut because they really, truly are depressed.

"But Katie, I'm taking anti-depressants! Obviously I'm genuinely depressed!" (And I can hear it now: "How can you question people for depression if even their doctors think so?!")

My reply to both those questions is simple. DOCTORS ARE IDIOTS. Anti-depressants are over-prescribed. Doctors are quick to hand out pills, and people, looking for a quick fix to any problem (or in this case, more proof to themselves and their peers of their "illness"), are quick to take them.

When I was 14, I was prescribed anti-depressants. All the doctor asked me was if I cry a lot (well DUH, I was a 14-year-old adolescent female!), and if I'm sleeping well, and put me on a mild dose of anti-depressants. Proof that doctors don't always go off of genuine depression when handing these things out.

Then you have the people who actually get 50 questions asked. Things like: Do you find yourself withdrawing from the people around you? To which the answer becomes "yes" because the person, trying to convince him/herself that there really is something wrong with him/her (because it really does sometimes feel good to self-victimize, I admit), thinks, "Well, sure I still spend tons of time with my friends, but I avoid my family at all costs and I care about them!" (As every teenager does, but we dismiss that thought in favor of "Well there's something wrong with me, there HAS to be, because I want to believe it to be true.")

A lot of questions end up like this. People look at symptoms of depression and think, "Well, not really, but sorta kinda in some ways so yes." And by that method of thinking, everyone in the world could easily be diagnosed with depression!

Not to mention, as further proof that doctors overdiagnose anti-depressants without taking into consideration any of the circumstances, many doctors know full well (in fact, all of them SHOULD) that anti-depressants have a high risk of worsening depression and thoughts of suicide in kids, teens, and young adults. And yet I have yet to have a friend see a doctor for depression that wasn't automatically given pills (rather than refer the person to a psychiatrist, and yes, doctors have the power to do that). So no, I'm sorry, but anti-depressants are NOT proof of depression. They're simply used as such.

Now, I don't think I need to explain that this trend is dangerous. But why IS it a trend? I have several theories.

-At the slightest feeling of discomfort, people naturally want to know what is wrong with them. Depression means there's actually something wrong. Heaven forbid it be as simple as the genuine answer.

-Teens want to be more extreme than the previous generation in how they stand out. Well, depression isn't all that common (or at least, it wasn't), and the old kind of trends are boring. Who wants to stand out just with clothing? That has nothing to do with how you act anyway.

-Attention. And I should take this opportunity to point out, wanting attention isn't a bad thing. Everyone needs attention once in a while. If you don't ever once in your life want attention, there's actually a higher probability that you ARE depressed, or that there is something else wrong. But telling people you're depressed gets TONS of attention, everyone worrying about you and fussing over you and praising you to boost your self-esteem, and who doesn't want that?!

But if you're not genuinely depressed, don't fake it. Be honest with yourself. When you see lists of symptoms, don't LOOK for ways for them to apply to you, for the love of all that is good and holy! Not only is that dangerous, it is also, as has been previousoly mentioned, offensive to some people.

"But Katie, how is my own personal issues with mental disorders--be they real or imaginary--in any way affecting or offending you?"

Simple. I, as someone who has dealt with very severe depression, do not appreciate my struggles being degraded to a black and white problem by a bunch of preteens who don't even understand it. Nor do I appreciate the fact that because of this trend, anyone under the age of 20 who claims to be suffering from depression is thrown into the "angsty teen" category and dismissed by those who DON'T deal with depression (be it real or imaginary). Thus, it is a slap in the fact to me and others with depression as well as harmful to us, as it makes it difficult to be taken seriously which, believe it or not, STINGS.

Now, for those of you that have finished my novel, congratulations. I know I can be rather wordy, and the sheer length of this post probably looked intimidating to anyone who simply "doesn't have the time" (because rushing off to play "7 Minutes in Heaven" and pretend it's you making out with two dimensional cartoon characters is much, MUCH more enthralling I'm sure). If you got this far, even if you completely disagree and want to track me down and clamp a bear trap down over my head, I appreciate your patience.

Should you choose to respond, comments may or may not be responded to (though if they are responded to, it will be in the form of another comment, so please add this to your favourites if you want to know my response). All messages received will be responded to. Anything you would like elaborated upon, anything you didn't understand, or any other points you would like taken into consideration will be considered and added if you let me know. Thank you.